vunguyen's profile
AGE:
18
LOC: Lake Charles, LA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: March 31
LOC: Lake Charles, LA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: March 31
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Items
Version 8
3 Reviews
3 Comments
Fury ignites my brother's withered soul And he alone bears this wretched toll Smoldering, burning, brighter than Apollo's fiery core He writhes and aches until forevermore Detached from serenity, no peace flows for his sorrowful mind Affliction englufs his petty torso, as if in Hell he lives to serve and dine! Damaged, out and in, like a marred introvert Flustering among the sparks of the dancing flames, he's drawn to flirt But fire, like emotions, detailed in multiple of s...
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Version 1
4 Reviews
4 Comments
Together we stand, yet together we will fall Admist the array of the grey seas Cumbersome, is it not nostalgic? Rememberance of struggles, dwelling upon the streets and problematic occurances rolling and laughing on the ocean's beds Just as how the stars seems to corrupt the night's pure,lightless,glorious face. Severely bounded to my ongoing faith, and yet it too, becomes shaken Shaken to provide certain degree of understanding Depth within Depth, It begins to flourish L...
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Reviews
Not a bad idea of expressing the way you "operate with females". The one thing you need to incorporate into your poem is punctuation. I see that you've divided each sentence by a period, but if you take your time to carefully examine where to place some really needed commas and save the periods for something exciting, your poem will sort of leap off the pages and into the minds of your readers. Periods are meant make a reader pause for a given second, and that's what I was doing when reading ...
Your lyrical poem really solidifies the emotion you're portraying for your acclaimed loved one. I really like how your comparison of "that the past/Like the scars/Would never go away" really draws out the nostalgic assumptions of you dwelling in the past, staring into this painful memory. Maybe, to spicen the poem up, how about a couple of adjectives. The stiffest line, to me, was the "from when a cop smashed it with a brick for fun." This sort of threw the emotion of the poem away, temporall...
Your lyrics flows very nicely, until I'm sure you've noticed "and if you laugh i won't blame myself". It stiffens around this area because your rhythm is thrown off. You kept your rhythm in your verses at a fast tempo, 1 2, 1 2, but your chorus immediately kills it. This doesn't at all feel catchy. Your chorus needs to be catchy! It's the main thing everyone looks for into making your song/lyrics into something to remember. I do however, like how your imagery conveys a given emotion, but pers...
Wow, nice. Because the writer creates the lives through his works! Btw whose Mr.Smith! Teacher? Anyways very nice
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