vlachen's profile
AGE:
26
LOC: Rogers, AR
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 09
LOC: Rogers, AR
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 09
I’m a Marine in North Carolina and random other places in the world.
Writing, mostly fiction, is one of the best ways I relieve stress.
I’ve written little things since I learned how to put words together to form cohesive sentences. My style has always been rough edged, choppy, and dark. Its just me.
I’m here to gain opinions and tips from others. Having friends review my work, well, that’s not a good way to get an objective opinion, or good criticism.
I need to polish my skills to begin the true story I have. A story I’ve been burning to write for years, but never felt that my talent was sharp enough to tackle it.
Here’s hoping this can help.
Thanks.
Items
Version 1
8 Reviews
2 Comments
The nights never end. Neither do the dreams. The screaming of rubber on pavement. The throaty roar of exhaust. The harsh cackle of breaking glass. The stench. That God forsaken stench. That fucking reek follows me. Burning rubber, scorched vinyl, antifreeze mixing with oil mixing with gas mixing with blood. It seeps from me, held within. It follows me to my grave. My death will be on these dark and dirty roads, this I know. Live by the sword and all. Were I to try, before my time, I would fai...
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Version 1
9 Reviews
0 Comments
Lyrics: Metallica - "Poor Twisted Me" The focal point rested on me. Unaware, ignorant, unthinking me. The Random reached out and touched us. I was on a drive, just a drive. Clearing my mind, feeling my best, doing what I enjoy most in life. To drive without purpose or destination is a fresh breath of freedom. All that's left is purpose. That's all I drive for now, and ever. I drive with it behind me. With the stench always with me. I still smell her blood. Oh god, the blood. Gliding down 101....
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Good work, especially for just an exercise for you. I agree with you that 2nd person is difficult, not something I would attempt. But it works for this. My biggest issue is the over use of "you." But... I'm not sure how many alternative there can be. Perhaps try and make the sentences flow a bit more evenly?
I believe you could go either way; a revised short story, or on to a novel. As a short story, your ending is quite brief, but not so cut off that it leaves the reader surprised. Additionally, the ending leaves much open to the imagination of the reader. Along those lines, it leave so much open that you could really run with it, and take it much further. You could answer the questions that came up to me: Does she recover? Does she end up dying? Will she get her act together and realize what's ...
Your plot was good, enjoyable. But, honestly, the storyline was too... incomprehensible. The parts that were memories or dreams mixed continualy with the main line of events, with no seperation. If nothing else, break to another paragraph when dealing with something that's not occuring at the same time.
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Excellent work. I honestly cannot put my finger on any specific problems. One thing I noted though: in the first few paragraphs it seems that the sentences were a bit long. I guage this by registering the need to re-read the line. Its not a big deal, and possibly just your style. Overall, excellent story line, good continuity and, best of all, it keeps the reader interested. Keep up the good work.
Excellent read. Odd topic, but excellent read. Quite, eh.... Palahniuk-esque style. The chops, from one topic to another with little or no segue, they're sharp to the mind. But not unpleasant. Honestly, I can't pull anything "wrong" out of my ass on this. Good job. Write more, and I'll definately read it.
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
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