vanveen13's profile
AGE:
39
LOC: Norman, OK
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 15
LOC: Norman, OK
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 15
I have been a writer since childhood. One day a kid in my elementary school interrupted me during one of the ongoing stories I used to tell myself in the sandbox on the playground at recess and made the sensible suggestion that I write it down, in short make a book of thing, which I did; from that point on my identity cooled and hardened. I have yet to be published, even for free, and so am forced to pass through that shadow world everyone so insistently keeps referring to as “real life”, a dreary realm where my comings and goings and various doings have not been very lofty: I pack cakes and various other goodies in a local bakery; the bills are paid; I write in my spare time. At thirty six years of age, despite the lack of success, the …
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He hadn’t actually intended on making a call when he darted into the red phone booth on the corner. Something he saw had greatly disturbed him. Up the street a man got out of a black car flanking the sidewalk, leaned against the parking meter before its bumper, ran a hand through his brown hair and checked his wrist-watch—Gary wondered what time it was himself. This sequence of motions, in of itself quite simple, somehow tickled Gary’s unconscious, shook free a series of images, little keep s...
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He hadn’t actually intended on making a call when he darted into the red phone booth on the corner. Something he saw had greatly disturbed him. Up the street a man got out of a black car flanking the sidewalk, leaned against the parking meter before its bumper, ran a hand through his brown hair and checked his wrist-watch—Gary wondered what time it was himself—and this sequence of motions, in of itself quite simple, somehow tickled Gary’s unconscious, shook free a series of images, little kee...
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Version 1
2 Reviews
1 Comment
He hadn’t actually intended on making a call when he darted into the red phone booth on the corner. Something he had seen greatly disturbed him: up the street a man got out of a parked black car flanking the sidewalk and leaned against the meter before its bumper. Slim, professionally casual, wearing a plain white long sleeved shirt and khaki slacks the man ran a hand through his brown hair and checked a wrist-watch (Gary wondered what time it was himself). The sight tickled something in a ba...
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Version 1
13 Reviews
6 Comments
1. Barbara awoke. She turned over in bed. Silence. Had there been a sound? Was someone breaking in? Come and get me Mr. Burglar, she thought with a note of ironic dreariness, rape me and kill me so I can be on the news. Barbara had a feeling that lay heavy on her stomach. She had had it for some time; having it, however, told her nothing whatsoever about its origins—she only knew it seemed to have grown heavier with the slow passage of the nighttime hours, struggling inside her like a fetus t...
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I thought this was a good piece. I liked all the low-rent atmospheric details, like Father's special chair. This kind of modern gothic tale is not easy to pull off and I thought you did it nicely and quite economically. My favorite parts are when Martha's beast boy calls her a slut and a whore. The central problems such as who made the mess in the kitchen Martha has to clean up with the nice vivid image of the Stonehenge of bottles, and why she is practically enslaved to her family all fall n...
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This is not my kind of story, but I must say you got a whole tear-jerker novel into just a few thousand words, which I greatly admire. There was one thing I absolutely loved about the story. When you shifted your first person perspectives, between the dying woman and the boy in the hospital, the viewer thinks at first he must be her son. The surprise of the boy's turning out to be a friend of her son's was a nice neat little trick. On the other hand the dialog is a bit flat. I think the sugge...
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I rather liked this bit of perveristy, as you called it though I think it is more scenario-essay than it is a story. Or perhaps it's part of something longer? I think I knew about half way through that narrator was going to kill the guy who came on to her, though I think this sort of goes against the basic premise she starts with that she is one of those lesbians who are more into women than hating men. The end makes it seem like she's getting revenge on him for the annoying pass when the nar...
I thought the conversational tone of this piece was very well done and I liked the idea of telling the weight loss problem from the point of view of the husband. The dialogue was very good I thought. My problems with the story are small but very niggling none the less. I think you might have characterized Tammy a little more and maybe broken up that just-a-working-class-regular-Joe thing with more specifics than sports and beer. I assume there are supposed to be space breaks in between the se...
Over all I thought this was a very well done piece; I don't give it a ten because I'm not into this sort of genre. You built a good deal of atmosphere and suspense and did it with remarkable economy. My own quibblings are few and minor. In the third paragraph I'm not sure why the rattling sound makes the boy's "spine ache"--this visceral description seems meant to be expressive but is not to my mind precise. In the same paragraph you have an ominous sound travel up his neck carried by unfortu...
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