My main criticism is about the front end. The first paragraph and most of the second is a big info-dump. It's also telling us stuff, rather than showing us, which is to be avoided if you can. This is especially notable since a lot of the points you tell us up front are actually things that are conveyed by your action scene. You could have slipped in a few lines of dialogue between the girls about the thugs--they could have been giggling/exited about being naughty and sneaking out, hoping to s...

You mention your chapters being short, but I found them to be too short. It felt more like I was reading a summary of a story, rather than a story. There needs to be more meat to get your teeth into. It also felt, with it being in first person, like a "camp-fire" tale - that it was being overly summarised and was relating something that was only partially remembered. Which isn't to say the story is uninteresting, it's just too briefly covered. It's like the part with Audrey disappearing at th...

The first thing I thought was "why would anyone have a _jug_ of water?" I would change this to a drop of water or similar as specifically saying jug is a bit specific. You could use 'bottle' or something, but I'm not sure anyone would carry a jug with them on the road. There seemed to be a couple of tense slips - it mostly seems to be in past, but one or two sentences are in present ("I tread carefully over the rocky gravel road" for example - it should be trod or strode or something like tha...

I think you've got something of a nice concept here - the ability to see/predict someone's death opens up all sorts of possibilities for the story. However, I think this needs reworking. You indicate this is chapter 1, but to me it reads more like a summary or an outline. It's very passively told, rather than being active. It's also a big info-dump. Especially with this being the start of the novel, I think you need to start out with some action, something dramatic that will hook readers in m...

There are two general things I would say, and they're sort of linked. Firstly - this is a huge info-dump. Lots of information is very densely packed in and it makes it very difficult to digest. It's also very dryly done - we're partly following Aermiel's thoughts and partly the narrator is telling us things. Really you should relay key pieces of information through dramatic scenes. For example, the sending of the Averiel to Earth could be a scene if it's important. Or you could have a council...

The first two parts seem a little similar. I think in the second one you need a more specific identification of the Chosen. I mean at the start of the third part you have her being called princess (which seems odd, by the way - they seem more sure this princess is the Chosen that seems sensible). Perhaps this could simply be achieved by having someone turn up at the end of the meeting after they've voted and saying "We've found here - it's Princess whatever". Generally, I thought the piece co...

I was confused by the first paragraph. I'd taken it to be a title and I read it to mean that Dr Francis Tumerick wrote the paper in London in 2013. Then, this introduction was being written by Malcolm Tumerick in Paris in 2118. However, in the next few paragraphs you say that the original paper was co-developed by two other people. These people would be credited. You also say it took Francis 20 years and it was published in 2023 - neither of those match with the 2013 date. The date would norm...

I've no issues with your story, but I think you need to work on the way you're telling it. At the start you info-dump on us, telling us a lot of information in a very short section. Now the thing is that the stuff you're telling us is actually key to understanding Ryoke and his motivations. That means that rather than us being affected by the tragic events of his family being killed you end up having to tell us things like he's bent on revenge. You shouldn't need to tell us - the power of sho...

It doesn't really seem like a story, more like an observation or a musing. I think you could make it a story by switching it around a little. Give it a more definite resolution or realisation. So, for example, how about the things the narrator hates do change, and then comes the revelation that those things, the little things, are part of what she loves about her family. So, in other words, at the start she hates those things, then somehow, through some mechanism they 'get fixed'. Initially s...

I like it - it's an interesting start and I'd definitely read on. There is one thing I would say, though it's a little difficult to explain. You seem to be slightly over-describing things, especially emotions. A good example is the end of this sentence - "My gaze fell upon ... as it did, my body froze in shock." Saying my body froze is enough to convey the shock - there's no need to tell us you were in shock. Especially since you then go on to describe the zombie woman in detail. The detailed...