This story is very well written. I was fascinated as Ilsa, the school girl, transformed into "a remorseless angel of death" The line "The student ..had dropped her books for a rifle" is brilliant. The author is extremely talented in expressing himself and bringing this character to life. "She walked in a divided reality of books and rifles, calisthenics and opera, art and combat training..." Wonderful imagery is prevalent throughout this piece. ..."past mounting piles of earth and through the...

This is actually a morbid piece, but written in a way to cause the reader to wonder and continue reading. Why does the character "tremble at the sight"? At what is she looking? Why can she not look away? Why is the world spinning? I personally suspect suicide--"the ground is rough and cold" her head is bleeding,"the world spins again", her "eyes (are ) unfocused, ears ringing." She is in "pain." I think the references to the world spinning are to vertigo she experiences while contemplating ju...

Excellent self expression. This would make a good performance piece. I like the scattered rhyming. The flow seems somewhat hindered in places, but I have no suggestions for improvement, not wanting to cut any of it. I love the ending line, "What happened to follow your heart?"

I like the imagery in this piece, "gray sky, black birds" and "their colors". Then one day, "the gray turned salty wet(and) smeared(your) vision into something new", is an original way to express tears. "He who watched and cared for the birds", I think, is a reference to God. The clarity of this piece is somewhat dim and needs to be defined more. I feel it is a description of some sort of personal epiphany or moment of understanding. I love the line, "(He) sent (the birds) again to remind (yo...

This piece flows really well, and the rhymes are excellent. It is, as the author states in the reviewer notes, very offensive. But I feel it is a comment more about man's rejection of the Christ, and not necessarily blasphemy. It is a true expression of what a fourteen-year-old girl felt and needed to write. It's not something I'd care to read again, and I think it would raise a cry of protest if printed in a publication.

I feel parts of this are awkward, but perhaps it is only a personal thing. For example, "instead you they tease". 'Instead, they tease you' feels better to me. "Time it is for you to go" could just as easily be "it is time for you to go." If you intend this piece to be read, why not be more natural in the way the words flow? As I say, this may simply be a personal thing. More imagery would be nice. Develop how the morning sky awakens. Describe it in more detail.

I enjoyed this. A good, positive piece. The "live in love.." stanza could be a song lyric. Nice rhymes throughout. This is a poem of hope, not too sentimental, but encouraging and uplifting. I look forward to more from this author.

This story had me waiting to learn what happens next, which keeps the reader going. The time sense is a bit awkward, confusing past and present. For example, "It was six a.m....David rolled out of bed...he hopped out of the shower...he went into his room..."--all past tense. "For some reason today he couldn't concentrate..." 'Today' changes the time sense to the present. It disrupts the flow. 'That day' would perhaps be better than 'today'. There are other parts that are somewhat incongruous,...

Love the title. Nice rhymes throughout. I love the phrase, "yellow jackets nesting in my brain." The author is talented and well describes internal confusion of thoughts and emotions, so aptly referred to as, "the din within." Image provoking metaphors, such as, "feeling like an old, tired tree, weathered trunk peeling..." make this piece a delight. Induces a feeling of identification in me and left me wanting to read more--and I feel it would do the same in other readers. Who among us has no...

Beautiful work. Draws the reader in and invokes sweet memories of "lust, that lovely basic need." Made my "nipples tingle to my toes." Author displays a wonderful talent for expressing erotic feeling. My only suggestion is to call it "Afterglow". It was good for me, and definitely left me wanting more.