You give a strong voice to your narrative. The story was entertaining, filled with action, and had a rewarding plot twist at the end. Good work. Suggestions: 1. As Samara is alone most of the time, the story contains a lot of narrative and not much dialog. Therefore, you should consider converting the narrative to first person. The story will be more exceiting and personal as Samara describes her own fear, sorrow, and contempt instead of relying on the narrator. 2. Eleven paragraphs contain e...

This is a very clever piece of writing. It reminds me of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galexy. The punctuation and subdialog require some adjustment for the reader. Strunk and White recommend no conversation tag other than “said.” Some editors will stop reading your work if they see too wide a variety of conversation tags. Don’t give them the excuse. However, if you use “said” too many times the coversation tags become a Chinese water torchure. So, avoid conversation tags when the speaker is obvi...

You captured all of the issues of unrequinted love in a fast-moving, compact exchange. Good work. But as I reviewed it a second time, I realized that in my first time through, my own experience came forward to color in emotions that were not present in your writing. That is good and bad. Good because your subject gets the reader to contribute. Bad becaues someone who hasn’t had their guts ripped out by an unreachable love interest remains condescending toward the Innocent Fool. This story wou...

I enjoyed your artistic prose. You are a very good writer. Here are my suggestions on this first draft: 1. Rewrite: “…he tended to her as if she were a fragile doll;” This story deserves to start with a paragraph free of clichés. 2. Use a hyphen in “claw-foot bathtub” 3. Should be possessive: “Barry White’s voice…” 4. Avoid starting sentences with the word “It.” 5. An ellipse should be used only in dialog where the speech is halting or words are missing (Chicago Manual of Style). You have an ...

Your story has an interesting style and the repeated statement, “I must stop doing this,” works as a tool to connect the reader directly with the character. Please consider the following suggestions: 1. Rewrite this story in first person to connect the reader more intensely with the mind of the character. 2. You use the word “there” in a way that detracts from your prose. Examples: “…only comfort there…” and “…as she rested there.” I would remove the word “there” when the sentence works witho...

Your writing style is solid and easy to absorb. The pace of the story is quick and engaging with good prose and detail. However, the basis for the narrator’s interest in Wally could use a boost of plausibility. Most people are no more surprised or compelled to investigation by the demise of a person with a severe mental illness than by a person with a severe physical illness. The narrator’s first infusion of concern implies that mental illness is as contagious as the common cold. If the narra...

Your analysis educates the reader to all of the signs of a developing sociopath, so the story will have redeeming value even if the actions of the character do not. Artistic prose will be the key differential. So too will be the careful crafting of the character's arc of development, though you seem to have a good start on that. I would add a love interest (unrequited?) and incorporate the slaughter of her family, too.

I admire the fine detail in your writing. You also set a good, fast pace with lots of fun killing. Incidentally, violence in novels never lowers my mood or makes me feel sad. To get that emotion from me you have to drag it out in the slow spots. But that’s just me. Also, if you want your prose to make someone to feel sad, then avoid using the word “feel.” Here is a revision of the part that seems to be the thrust of your efforts to depress the reader’s mood: “But here, now, I am not a Queen. ...

Wow! This is amazing insight for 13. My only suggestion: use "Clubs" in place of "Whips."

I hate to admit this, but this rant probably has a market written just the way it is. Though, you should remove the passive tone in the discussion of tattoos and rewrite some of the clichés like the 3Fs and “Ms. Right now.” You could also convert the entire piece into a novel where your exposition becomes dialog woven into a narrative storyline with plot, scenery, and action. Lastly (and this would be difficult), you could take each item of the rant and twist it into humor to make a standup c...