This is a good attempt, but it fails to satisfy completely. I detect the influence of T.S. Eliot. This becomes a little too apparent toward the end. I suggest ending the poem at "What is an ending, but a slap to all those who care". Thereafter, the poem becomes more rhythmic, recalling nursery rhymes (and Eliot's "The Hollow Men"). It takes the poem from a feel of longing to a more sarcastic, bitter tone. I did enjoy the two penultimate lines, though. I suggest removing as much punctuation as...

This is pretty good considering your audience. I do have a few suggestions, though. Don't be shy about contracting "It is" into "It's". In the second stanza, third line, I suggest "well before noon" rather than "way". The next two lines could stand rewriting, as battle "cries" aren't strictly "spoken", but "cried". Also, "undaunted" is misspelled in the last line.

Overall this is a good poem. I like the nostalgic quality and the colorful imagery. The main weakness lies in the following lines: "I gaze down from an open window, / see potted geranium plants, / the blooms so much brighter, larger, redder / than the ones here at home." Aren't these the flowers below your window? If you are "here at home", then to what other flowers are you comparing to what other flowers? This is very unclear.

I enjoyed this poem thouroughly. The erotic content was not trite or insulting, but was in fact quite direct and vivid. The 'letdown' in the penultimate stanza was perfectly delivered. I also enjoyed the mirrored bookending of the poem ("this is how it starts/ends"). My only suggestion: the opening sentence is confusing: "He traces circular patterns / along my spine and my back / arches in spite of myself / thrilling to his touch." This could easily be split into to sentences, or at least spa...