Funny & well-written, as usual! :) _I had a late night with some friends._ -> should that be in quotes? It seems out-of-place as an aside to the reader, but would seem natural as dialogue. "booms telepathically" -> I think you should be more literal. You don't really mean 'telepathically', right? Is Davie smart enough to know it's "it’s not I"? I think he'd say 'me'. I mean, he couldn't even say 'impeccable'. The conversation about the Friends types was amusing and informed - very nice!...

"insure" -> *ensure* "none-badge-wearing" -> *non* The last paragraph seems to lose focus, before it descends into self-mocking. I think you should cut it and find something brief and witty (but still on-topic) to tie it together. The argument is excellent; whatever you may not "get", you have a grasp on logic. :) Well done, not too preachy or derisive. Very effective. Nice work indeed! :)

It needs tightening, but it's an interesting poem. :) I would do away with the ellipses in the first stanza, plus most of the rest. Use a few periods, semicolons, etc. just to toss things up. :) "the thing that reminded me… " -> this is awkward. It might make more sense just to place it before the second stanza, and _then_ let it remind him. "refered" -> *referred* "so this is what love gives you…" from here to "what more could i possibly fucking say?" I think is too generic and not per...

Query Letter: Very nice; concise, imformative. :) "As the hurricane" -> *When a hurricane* ; you haven't mentioned any hurricane previously. Chapter One: "men born handsome and then got better" -> men *who were* born... "...at the right time, and he was..." -> comma splice; could be remedied by removing "he". "Shortly after we said goodbye." -> comma, not period "one, terrible" -> no comma "...if you had the power to come and go as you pleased." -> too true; loved this. :) T...

"Richie donned a cap" -> "donned" means "put on"... I think 'sported/wore' might work better. "tree-trunk" - seems a little out of place just there. Mocking her legs while she's dying? ;) This is a beautiful story! The children are a nice touch, though I searched in vain for any foreshadowing in the story. Did she always want kids? You never said so. Nice work! :)

I love the first line - nice! :) Of course, the heart and skin are organs as well; I'd say you should clarify, but that would ruin the opening line. Maybe you could do it somehow on the second line. "would"..."wouldn't" -> This tense bothers me. I think it'd read better "will"..."won't". (MoreToSayOnThisIfYouLike) "liver in my heels" - is it split up into both heels? I love how the narrator 'devolves' into a fish! Nice. :) "I hook myself on bait" -> This makes it sound like he's intenti...

Line4 -> I'd start a new sentence, since you have a new subject. Stanza2 -> noticeably more vague - possibly sacrificing too much clarity for rhyme and alliteration. "things" is particularly vague & irksome. "brew" and "haze" imply witchcraft or intoxication, both of which work well with shadow puppetry. ;) Stanza3 -> excellent, and suddenly much darker. "noble truths" - a Buddhist reference? seems out of place. Overall, I like it very much. Vivid, dark, surprising, and polished. :)

This is hilarious. As an opening chapter, it definitely has my attention. The first sentence is ghastly long, isn't it? :) Of course, it's short as a chapter, but I've seen them even shorter, so it's up to you. It does seem to say everything: Greg is so self-absorbed, he'll let a man die while he ponders his own choice of words he uses to think about the situation. Very funny! :D My complaints are with Lydia's critique: While she makes some good points, she seems overly derisive. This may be ...

This draft is definitely an improvement. It's almost there, I think. "But this is no ordinary microbe." -> this sentence is a little cheesy, and unnecessary. It could be replaced by just adding the word "unusual" before 'microbe' in the previous sentence. "until it fell" -> 'before' instead of 'until'. Otherwise, this seems like a quality blurb for what sounds like a fun thriller. Nice! :)

"lust" seems irrelevant to the poem, aside from its rhyme with "trust". Maybe lust *for* another's trust? That could work. "sclera cry" -> "sclera" is not an adjective, nor is it the organ that 'cries'; I think you need another word there. "Somebody" -> 'Someone' would work better rhythmically. "and his neck" -> try "whose neck" "psychologically naughty" -> a weak rhyme, and very vague. "spoiled to bad" -> 'to bad' is already understood in 'spoiled'. I think you make too many s...