tullyot's profile
AGE:
35
LOC: Canada
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: August 23
LOC: Canada
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: August 23
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Items
Version 2
2 Reviews
0 Comments
She spread vasoline on the mirror, stood back, head tipped right. She was clearly there at both ends of the streak. But her eyes went back and back again to that thick merky spot mid streak. She threw her soul at it, thumped the distortion she had become. In one pane, in one vein, was the one she's been, and the one she's been with, who strokes her countlessly, shiny and crackless, sparkling, with nothingness. She was there, clear blue eyes pinned her down. &...
Version 1
1 Review
0 Comments
She spread vasoline on the mirror saw herself clear at both ends of the streak, but eyes were glued to that thick and merky spot mid streak. She threw her soul at it, to swim and float and fight the waves of distortion. In one pane, in one vein, was the one she's been, the one she's been with, who strokes her countlessly, shiny and crackless, sparkling with nothing. Slid across the smear, was again her face, shapeless, lost within another's. He's less defined, less...
Version 1
2 Reviews
0 Comments
Distorted little bombs drift down, dragging pink lipped parachutes. Continuously you cast, Yet, your mouth has never dared to bite into a meal I digest. You want them landing on me,detinating, except they can't. I'm not on the ground anymore. ****** Someone sends smiling pufflings from the clouds, who have cute names and happy stories. They bounce softly over my wall. Land on the rest of my day. ***** He says you control your bombs until you drop them but once free they can turn around rever...
Version 1
16 Reviews
6 Comments
Divinity Ar-Rashid sits quietly across a table from me one night. He spins a U.S. coin, round and round, looks at me, lasers of night through lashes of day. I dive deep into him, so far I cannot find my way out. Years ago, on Him l spread my trust. We carved deep on my back symbol of our journey. That jagged and bloody knife then lay ominously on a stone pallet, Awaiting its next cut. Until a stranger with eyes of storms and sunrises, picked it up and spun it, letting it fall in its own direc...
Version 2
18 Reviews
7 Comments
Nestled in Destiny’s palm, he dreams in woolen whites and balmy blues. Wings of lace doves lay in waiting on his back. Leg and arms, like sprouts of fiddleheads, curl up underneath him. Head turned, eyes closed, his lashes grow towards the light like stems of sunflowers. Here he quietly keeps his spirit for us. Silver breath, fresh and agile, Gathers in lofty lungs a little more each day. It waits to pair with his little racing heartbeat, To glide into our world on top of his first melodious ...
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Reviews
You have done a good job of your use of metaphors. I especially like the marinated sky. I think the sun murdered by the weather is a good image, but it could be better if it was more specific, maybe some kind of death that ends in a sleep like state, to mirror the end you may have if you keep driving. I think, by reading your intro, that what you are trying to do is partially accomplished, by the middle and ending of the poem, but the first part could use more urgency, in order to make it a c...
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
The rhythm speaks to me the loudest. Seems like you have done this type of writing before, perhaps in your songwriting. Secondly, this poem interests me because it seems to lack compassion, yet haunts to a certain degree afterwards, because of that. Although it lacks description of emotion, it creates emotion. I like S2 L4 because it is shocking and creates a coldness much like the weather you describe, and shocks the reader, since S1 L1 mentions an eldest son. The last S is really inpactful,...
I like the simplicity and creativity. Puts a humourous (yet dark) slant on that situation.
I think you should put some structure in your poem to start off. It will help it to rhyme properly and it will flow better. Sounds like a song, so perhaps you should also think of writing lyrics for a song.
This poem has a great rhythm, which almost creates an urgency. Were you going for an urgent/quick processing type of feel? Or does this person go through this over a span of time, diliberating a lot? If so, I suggest breaking it up into more stanas to emphasize time going by and the different phases of the processing (to do it or not, the disbelief, etc) Another small suggestion, pick a verb tense and stick to it so it flows a little more easily. (Either past or present). Secondly, I would su...
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