tstone's profile
AGE:
29
LOC: Indianapolis, IN
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 05
LOC: Indianapolis, IN
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 05
i am more interested in the splashes of words that make up a story than in the story itself. i like obscure tangents, keen observations, fantastically drawn conclusions, and dry humor in necessary places. besides that, revealing character and advancing the plot are fine goals i hope to one day consider.
Items
Version 2
1 Review
1 Comment
(SATURDAY MORNING, 11 AM - THE NEXT DAY) “Hello?” “Hey, baby. It’s me. Listen, I’m sorry about last night.” She paused. “I really am.” “Yeah, me too. My stereo is broken.” I replied. I caught my reflection in the mirror across the room. Staring at my own distant and somewhat mangled image, I spoke through a complex system of wires and telephone circuitry that I would likely never understand &mda...
Version 4
6 Reviews
29 Comments
Jail is a great place to read a book, if one is so inclined. In six days and nights, between tiny fits of semi-sleep in a room where the lights never dimmed; feeling healthier than he’d felt in months and finally safe from his true prison; clothed in neon orange from torso to tootsies and wrapped in a gray, cotton blanket; Burl Wonder read _The Broker_ by John Grisham, five times from start to finish, and finally felt free. _DJNG-KUHHH!_ The distant and frozen sound of a heavy, metal door fi...
Version 5
0 Reviews
0 Comments
Chapter 4 ooo THE VINEGAR TASTING ooo We see three men standing around a vat of vinegar. Each has dipped his finger into the vinegar and has tasted it… The first has a sour look on his face, the second wears a bitter expression, but the third man is smiling. -excerpt from The Tao of Pooh, by Benjamin Hoff ooo It had never occurred to me that I might have made some bad decisions. In fact, it seemed to me that I made relatively no decisions at all. I rolled through life, mostly, bouncing off ev...
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Reviews
i love this. you put me right there in the room with you. sorry i don't have more of a "critique" for you.. i just like it the way it is. refund if necessary.
not a bad opening, but a few suggestions: it seems to me that Crew would likely call out her name before rushing to the television. even if you FIRST have him call out casually, THEN check the t.v., and THEN call out again in desperation. he moves a bit too quickly from waking to panic (while remaining composed enough to check the news, first.) another small detail: if so many people have disappeared, it seems odd that the news would pause to report about "some kid's grandma." this might work...
do you mean to repeat: "been there and back" twice? - right after YOUNG MAN is wounded in shoulder. besides that, i really can't find anything grammatically wrong.. this is the 2nd time i've read this, the 1st being about a month ago, and i think that if you can get someone like me to read something twice - not just "read," but read carefully - you've got something. i don't have the opportunity to review many plays, but i really like this. you keep the reader jumping, never really sure who to...
"...girlfriend(,) May(,) were going to hers (hers? her coffee shop?) that evening. She wondered what -is- (it) was..." "Good to see you(,) Mr. Wui(.) It's..." "I've been kind of busy,(") he said..." (Shortly after this, Martha pops out of nowhere. It seems that Martha and Josephine are the same person..?) "...words of her dream guide: (in italics maybe) You are in great danger. She..." "...His thoughts became words -out loud- ." "...say a chess club(.)" "...as if to say, "nice place."" "...ir...
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