This is lovely, I wish I could meet her. Dogs are wonderful creatures, aren't they. Thanx for sharing with us your emotions, beautifully laid out in verse.

I like the first stanza, but the second stanza is kind of off: "To make some silk / beautiful butter, to the eyes", it doesn't flow well and it doesn't add any depth to the poem. It almost feels as if it's just there because the writer couldn't think of anything better to say. I don't mean to offend, that's just what I get from it. In the third stanza, "world delayed her, a bubble, doubled", where does bubble and doubled fit in. It reminds me of Shakespeare's Macbeth :"bubble, bubble, toil an...

I think it works as haiku. As contemporary, at least. Of course those insisting on the original format might not be impressed. Just one question: what does it all mean? I know there's supposed to be a message, but for the life of me, I can't figure it out. (Or atleast in traditional haiku there is). So what's yours?

Unfortunately I have no literary advice to give, but I can say that your poem did quite warm my heart! I especially felt a pang, almost of longing, when I read the part about "twirling and spinning and being freed" in God's presence. It creates a very lovely picture indeed! I'm sure the person it's addressed to was smiling down from heaven when you wrote it!

Despite the rhyming, you've got the smothering bit down. I can almost feel him creep under my skin, filling the air with some sticky poisonous residue and making it hard for me to breath! (Glad to hear you Were - as opposed to "you Are" - in such a relationship)

Indeed, these words are truly raw and powerful. But much more than just words... they are the raw emotions, the outpouring of a tortured soul! As if years of bound up emotion and plastered propriety had finally been cut loose and poured upon that piece of paper!

I like the use of imagery in the first three stanzas, you paint a vivid picture. But I feel that the last three stanza's are too "sing-songy", it's as if you're forcing the rhyme. This line "we their children, gave us birth", is constructed in a way that makes it sound silly. It sounds like you're saying we gave ourselves birth. Or is that the way you want it?

I love how honest this is. And although it's poetic, I like the way you show the raw emotion, without any flowery rhyme and "mushiness" to overshadow what you feel. Well done!

For some unexplainable reason I really love reading this. Is this your usual style, because this works great as "slam poetry". I was rather surprised when I saw your what age you are =) Well done, good work!

This sounds so sad. I don't know if it's supposed to, but it does to me because this is so true of so many people today, today's society. Always looking for... something, and always finding the wrong thing. Sorry, I've got no critique (I just wanted to comment). You do capture the emotion very well though