eye luff ewe. This is well done. Why is the title "One" not won, like the internal "one"s? "fall off at her beauty" made me laugh out loud, as well as "national". You so clever. why tear caught me, not that I have a better suggestion.

First, your internal and half rhymes are pretty fun. It's inconsistant, too, mixed with end rhymes-- making a subtler effect. I have a few hangups with the metaphors in places-- for the image painted. In stanza one: a sun on the horizon, blazing. Ok, so I'm following you with the shadow motif. What throws me is that where there are shadows, something has to cast them, blocking light. Which follows that where there are shadows, there is light. The first lines, for me, create an image of a sun ...

The meaning is lost on me. Not accessable. I'd consider making "blue collars" **the** blue collar workers (or, more realistically, something far more specific - the day laborers, the linemen, etc) and "anorexics" **the** anorexic. Later in the piece each subject is a **the**. Additionally, I think it will make the titling of people with this condition (bulima as well) a little less... questionable. Think of it as the difference between "retards" and "the retarded". I'd think about clipping th...

I don't have a comment on the direction of the piece. Should "metamorphoe" be metamorph? I wasn't sure if it was word play I didn't catch. I think the Sesame Street reference is a bit gratuitous. I've seen that a few places before, maybe because using chidhood icons in adult ways is shocking... Have fun!

This is beautiful. My only critique is the last line. I can't tell if it needs a comma, or is missing a word, or if I'm just an idiot. ♥ There is something very honest and genuine here. Resonant. Other buzz words, but I mean it.

But... lightning _makes_ thunder. Since you are no longer bound by a word limit, I'd go ahead and throw in the extra words you've eliminated through punctuation. It will make for a smoother read (IE "The windows had bars: no escape>" Could be "Since she recently had all her windows fitted(outfitted?) with burglar bars, there was no safe escape.") Although, I have to say that were it me, and my choice was to burn slowly from inside a building on fire or to leap through a porch which is on f...

I thought ales were traditionally less hoppy? 3rd P - "but even so" I think you may need a comma there. It isn't wrong, I understand, but it caught me. Maybe its just me. 4th P - "any of the responsibilities" I don't think you need 'any of' As far as economy of language, I think it could be tighter. An example: The ale is doing its work fully now and my face feels flush. Is easily: My face feels flush from the ale. It's interesting. I can see poetry-Pat and letter-writing-Pat here. Perhaps I'...

So, technically, this is well written. I'd call it children's literature, in reference to your reviewer's notes. It doesn't appeal to me the way some cross-generational lit does-- which is fine, of course. Just more geared towards kids. I wonder about the dialogue. It works for a children's books, but perhaps the thing that puts me off (as an adult) is that I can _hear_ thebaby talk, the sing-songy style of speech that people reserve for the very young or very stupid. The repetition of ",hone...

And? She's dead. This doesn't make me like her, hate her, wonder why she's dead, or where, et cetera. It doesn't make me ask a question or want to know more or feel bad that she's dea or glad.. So what is the intent? You don't need the comma in the 2nd to last line, 3rd S. Ok, so I have a hard time understanding why you've chosen to neglect words like 'are' and 'is'. I see this a lot in poetry, but I can't see that it helps any kind of economy of word. I see you're going for an archaic tone, ...

Would it ruin everything to have one line where they didn't overlap? I ask because of line 5, ending in to. It jabbed me in the eye. 'My friend, i give to you my last request'/' from where they came and where they are going' Each still have 10 syllables, but I get that the point here is the conjoining. This is well done. The parenthesis made me smile. I am constantly in awe of your _patience_ to write these things.