tia_logic's profile
AGE:
25
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 23
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 23
Clouds Gathering
It seemed the kind of life we wanted.
Wild strawberries and cream in the morning.
Sunlight in every room.
The two of us walking by the sea naked.
Some evenings, however, we found ourselves
Unsure of what comes next.
Like tragic actors in a theater on fire,
With birds circling over our heads,
The dark pines strangely still,
Each rock we stepped on bloodied by the sunset.
We were back on our terrace sipping wine.
Why always this hint of an unhappy ending?
Clouds of almost human appearance
Gathering on the horizon, but the rest lovely
With the air so mild and the sea untroubled.
The night suddenly upon us, a starless night.
You lighting a candle, carrying it naked
Into our bedroom and blowing…
Items
Version 2
30 Reviews
8 Comments
I hope I can break the spell: the long line of daughters birthing changelings who will grow into women, tormented by men without fear. When I was young enough not to fear the sun, you would gather my brown skin to your chest and read fairy-stories of brave women. You were the stone-eyed queen with a cement tongue; you abandoned entire countries at whim, you birthed me, trickster child, as duty. I still see you mouthing incantations. I didn’t know the words, as a child, just the execution- bow...
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This is ineteresting. I don't think you need the commas at frame and art. The line break gives it enough stop, but that's nitpicking because I don't have any real criticism. It's curious whether or not your Jeebus refrence is tongue-in-cheek or not.. i can't decide. Although I'm writing a paper on Intelligent Design just now, and have proposed my thesis that Aldus Huxley is, in fact, God. Supported by the Big Brain Theory. Which is just to say subtlty is nice, and I lack that skill. I like you.
Hm. the only thing that doesn't quite follow for me is that he left in all his blonde glory, narrator screwed someone else, but F came back to leave a note. Funnyish, though.
Breaking up is hard. But it gets easier. I'd think about the first line. It kind of sets up a expectation of cliches, which, to an extent you comply with. I'd be willing to bet you ould mke something more of this than a letter to the past. It would make a lovely vignette if you wrote it less of you&me style (which I understnd in regards to letterism) and worked at some fresh metaphors. Good luck and chin up. I think I went through 3 or four end-of-the-wrld, first love hearbreaks before I real...
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