thewizard83's profile

i didn't like the first verse with the cussing and was glad it didn't continue...on that line, it is odd the language in the first verse is so strong and then no more...the following verses have great imagery...overall i think it's fantastic

shades of 'rage against the machine'...i can actually here them doing it, so that speaks well for qulaity...not exactly my taste but there are alot who'll enjoy it

i think you have a good idea here. the amnesiac protangonist is over played but if you do it well it can still be interesting. you need some good proofreading, but that's not so important. the prose is decent. i will say watch out for sentences like this: 'I remained bare feet as I exited the building; my hunt for shoes was cut short, the chaos outside seemed to be getting closer to my location.' get rid of the semicolon and the comma. this should be at least two sentences if not three depend...

this is odd by itself and very depressing. the points you make are true from a pessimist's point of view. but why is this person such a pessimist? why do they have such a down trodden look at life? we need a bit more backstory for this to work. in this small piece, your long sentences don't slow it down and give you time to take in all that you're saying; however, knowing there is more, it makes me worry that these long sentences will drag everything down the story in the bigger picture. i wi...

in your message you said the story reads a bit like a romance in the beginning. while some romantic connection can be seen here, i do not think it is anything that would cause a reader to abandon the story early. in my opinion, this is a good set up. there are numerous ways the story can unfold from this point. the writing itself is okay. it feels weighed down, wordy. your thoughts and details are good but they are too long for me. i think breaking them up would greatly increase the pace and ...