the_venus_in_isis's profile 
AGE:
26
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: August 20
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: August 20
Hello, I am Venus. I’m Apache. I’m fantastically short. I enjoy laughing, and I am a fledgling writer who dabbles in different forms. I enjoy 100% honesty, and the blunter the better! If I don’t agree, then I’ll have no qualms with saying so, but ALL opinions are eagerly anticipated. They may only help, right?
The longer I’m on urbis, the pickier I get concerning reviews. General reviews, excessive quoting, rude reviews, personal diatribes, all of this will lead me to submit a review for a refund. I’m serious about my writing, so I appreciate most the blunt, constructive reviews that site specifically what does and does not work.
I don’t do the fan thing, because, well, if I like somebody’s work I’ll tell them, favorite t…
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The entire park was packed; vendors sprinkled across the grass like candy chips dropped carelessly on a cake. On one side of the park, news crews were setting up. Feuding music levels competed, creating a chaotic atmosphere. Rather than lose their ‘spot’, the owners opted to simply turn up the volume. Parking lot G was blissfully free of cars, apart from a truck near the entrance; the area carefully blocked off by militant orange cones. Hector, already in costume, waved at security guards who...
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Version 2
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The door was wrenched open, “What the hell you mean you’re here for Lupita?” Bobby. Anybody else wouldn’t have been angry, they simply would’ve gotten Bobby to deal with the guy asking for his girlfriend. His bald head was dull in the fading light. No signs of facial hair hid his face, giving him a deceptive baby-faced appearance. He stared at Hector through slit eyes. Though he wasn’t very tall, perhaps five foot eight or so, he made up for it in his carefully developed musculature. Thick, r...
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Version 2
1 Review
1 Comment
Having Aaron know could prove beneficial, Hector thought. He also needed a way for people to contact him without leaving signs up around the neighborhood, something he’d been thinking about since last night. “Hey, you think you could get me a pre-paid? Pay in cash so people can’t trace it?” Aaron arched an eyebrow and nodded. “Uh huh, why?” “People can’t ask for help the same way they do lost dogs, especially since it seems it’s mostly kids asking for me. I don’t like it, man, it’s dangerous....
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Version 1
0 Reviews
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The entire park was packed; vendors sprinkled across the grass like candy chips dropped carelessly on a cake. On one side of the park, news crews were setting up. Feuding music levels competed, creating a chaotic atmosphere. Rather than lose their ‘spot’, the owners opted to simply turn up the volume. Parking lot G was blissfully free of cars, apart from a truck near the entrance; the area carefully blocked off by militant orange cones. Hector, already in costume, waved at security guards wh...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
2 Reviews
0 Comments
The door wrenched open, “What the hell you mean you’re here or Lupita?” Bobby. Anybody else wouldn’t have been angry, they simply would’ve gotten Bobby to deal with the guy asking for his girlfriend. His bald head was dull in the fading light. No signs of facial hair hid his face, giving him a deceptive baby-faced appearance. He stared at Hector through slit eyes. Though he wasn’t very tall, perhaps five foot eight or so, he made up for it in his carefully developed musculature. Thick, rounde...
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Reviews
I thought this was straight to the point, and states its point very clearly and with a lot of humor. It says I could've been successful, but I might have compromised my integrity. I didn't want to do that, so now I create what I want, even though it's not lucrative. I think you illustrated it WELL and simply.
'usurper your thoughts' usurp your thoughts would be the way to say it, usurper is an individual. 'These phantom usurpers' would make sense. 'I spat' not spit. Past tense. 'I knew, I had...I needed to begone' These sentences are very awkward and don't seem to fit really well with this piece. You could remove them and not lose anything. The second paragraph only tells the reactions of the narrator, but it does not show them. You mention them gasping at the stench, but why was it only noticed a...
'many have done at' Died? I think this is a good intro. You've built a character, fanatical about the degeneration of humanity, with very few lines. I feel as though I'm about to step into an assassin's mind and listen as he justifies his job. Nicely put together. I would love to know more.
I'm not sure I'm really liking the changes. The beginning is good, but then it gets into sounding choppy once he arrives at the plane to assess what's happened. 'My mother sat...She was trying to...Andi was strapped...She was screaming...' Additionally, the part about the log being the sister is odd, not because it wouldn't conceptually work, but because it's unclear the way it's written. The logs moving, then eyes appear, and Chrissy is inside, but then a wave of fire comes. I like where you...
I think 'nestled' would be better than 'nested'. I liked that you said she left before the ship departed originally, it led me to think it was too painful to watch it slip away, which was a nice conclusion that you let the reader come to on their own. You spend a lot of time describing the build up, which was really good. You gave me a clear picture of the location and atmosphere-nervous idle chater. It really got me to anticipate the arrival and meeting between the two. I was a bit surprised...
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