"God" should be capitalized if it refers to a specific deity. But I understand the sentiment. We all do, from time to time.

But what a mile it can be! The use of "click" instead of "mile" may be confusing to readers, though. Something to consider.

Very true, and something many people have been saying for a long time. On the technical side, I don't see anything wrong with this, except to say that you should drop the question mark at the end.

While I agree with some of the things you say here, this is a review of style and technique. From that standpoint, this needs some polishing, but it's a good start. Some examples: "and the dire way in which the Katrina disaster was confronted fell no short of abysmal"-- I'd consider changing "fell no short of abysmal" to "was abysmal." A poetic turn of phrase is nice at times, but it falls flat in journalism more often than not. When referring to our founding document, "Constitution" is alway...

Excellent piece! The story flows well, and brings the reader in from the beginning. And the ending line is fabulous. I would suggest perhaps adding more description of the battlefield. Not just the sights, but the smells and sounds. What's the weather like? Is the air heavy with sweat and smoke and fear? That sort of thing would make it more real. That, and work on your sentence structure. There are run-on sentences in nearly every paragraph. Break them into multiple sentences to improve narr...

Jay, I've read this post on MySpace, and I'm quite happy to see that you've posted it here. It IS a useful thing for Urbisites to read, I think. You've certainly helped me in improving my writing. You should try to get Steve to post this as required reading for new people here on this site. But, the proper spelling is "lightning," not "lightening."

Recognizing my limitation in having not read what came before, I offer this: In the very first paragraph, you start to lose me. You're telling me a story instead of drawing me in. It isn't enough to say that Josh wants to have something to eat; the story is better if I know WHY he wants it, and feel it myself. Describe the gnawing sensation in his stomach, or the exhaustion of wrestling with that woman, anything that will paint a picture in my mind and make me want to know more. The opening s...

Nice quick overview, but this could easily be stretched into a much longer piece that would draw a reader in. You should consider doing it. Add some descriptions, maybe a little poetic turn of phrase. It goes from beginning to end in two sentences, which isn't enough to judge your writing abilities.

Absent reading the rest of this, I'm limited in what I can recommend, but I agree that this is not a great stand alone chapter. Perhaps my best suggestion would be a better description of the people destroying the desk. For some reason, I felt that was something you should have walked me through, instead of going from people heading for the office, into a very short bit of dialogue (way too short to have covered the entire time it would have taken to take a sledgehammer to a desk), then to th...

That was hysterical! I can see the guy running as if all the devils of hell are after him, and behind him a duck in dark glasses is shouting "Aflac!" or maybe "I'll be quack!" Or how about "this is what happens when the duck fucks back!"