Zero was a ninja. He was about to go rogue. /Has to be worded differently, sounds plain like: "I'm about to open up a can of whip ass"... It was what he did best. It was how he rolled. /Don't need, sounds out of place for the story... It's like mixing oil and water, they dont mix well together. To me it is like bringing something form Japan to the "Hood". Zero gripped the sharp, three sided throwing star that he had used to kill so many pirates before. He judged the distance between himself a...

Excellent... Your use of words tranform more than just form to function of the english language. I actually understood the meanings of each sentence because of not being so overloaded with big word jargon. Many writers have to understand that in order to be universally read by many different people, they have to write to accompany their learning styles. Your words had outlined the setting, plot, and time line extremely well. Good Luck Teddy

..."the big deal is that these tan pants are uncomfortable for my psyche." Good point ..."the smell of a fresh salty pretzel lingers among the aromas of sugar-filled-youth and disillusionment." This line is so strong, with just a few words. You have done a great job, you posed a problem, stated tour argument, and gave examples to support your argument. Very good work. Teddy

I pity the day you realize you are not almighty and nothing close to a man. Very good line. How well I understand this line, and respect it. Very good work. Teddy

This is a very good piece, and you should definitely expand. Very vivid use of imagery as well as well as a perception from a very intellectual standpoint. Good work Teddy

Very Good. I enjoyed this. The words expressed many feelings, and left many questions. I liked your layout and setup of the positioning of the words. You take the reader through your thoughts and transitioning emotions surrounding death. You briefly explain enough. The feelings of wanting to die, to embrace it, hope for it, or just accept it as being inevitable. Feelings of loss, helplessness, and hopelessness. Good Luck Teddy

Very Good work... You hit the nail right on the head with the inner turmoil, and battles that i have been going through and did not understand. Even know where to begin to try to explain to other's. Constantly tring to make a decision and contradicting myself every step of the way, with how i view myself and others in the world... Teddy

- There appears a plateau a lake of window, where wind disturbs... This first part is very good, but might need the comma placed after the word plateau. It broke up the rhythm of the words, and just flowed a bit better. Sometimes when I cut and paste my stuff it gets rearranged, so i always check it before i save. To make sure that the reader will get the best experience from reading what you had written. Your words did vividly give way towards imagining the plateau. Good Luck Teddy

That is very deep, and the quote within itself- is very deep. This is how i interpret this, please dont be upset. I am thankful and very grateful that i did wake up- think about it in a larger perspective. Of how many people that do not wake up from their slumber, and wish that they had one more day to change/ fix all that they were miserable about. It is just my belief that God is not the one that punishes us, we a very good job of making ourselves suffer a great deal from all that we have i...

So very true, because once one has dipped below thinking clearly and level-headed, most people become lost. They lose the truth about themselves, their morals, and/ or their standards of living and dealing with reality. The illusion is sometimes a lack of "common sense", i believe... Be well ttyl Teddy :-)