Wow! Great story, however, since you are going for present tense the whole time, I'll point out a couple of things: I balked--I balk--7th paragraph down I nodded as he continued--I nod as he continues--8th paragraph He never liked such weakness and always scorned me in the end, berating me on how insufficient I am at times. --Are we talking in past or present? Is this a memory? Is she looking back at other times? If not, change it back to present. That caught--that catches--14th paragraph The...

First of all, if this is your first attempt at a novel (and your first draft!) then you are WELL on your way to being an amazing writer. Secondly, I glanced at the little girl again, and I felt as if I’ve seen her before. This sentence doesn't work. You go from past to present tense...say it out loud...it doesn't flow quite right. It's minutiae, I know. Sixteenth paragraph....just something to point out, but generally when kids say that kind of stuff about their parent in front of them, they ...

Very very true! Nice quote. I like how you call writing a fine work of art. Writing is definitely an art form.

This is a great story so far! You've done really well with description and the sci-fi language is pretty much perfect. ;) If there is a way to insert a little background into it...for example, his classes...was he specially trained for this? Or was he just randomly picked? Also, while your dialogue and thought processes do give us a little glimpse of your characters, you might want to add some physical descriptions as well. Your dialogue is very good, at least from the little bit I saw, altho...

It's a pretty good premise for a children's story. Couple comments: "good; ok supplies ready let’s go."...this is sort of a run on sentence. I think you could drop the semicolon off. Also, "Ok supplies ready let's go" sounds kind of awkward. Maybe consider revising that. ..."anyone make a tiny little door like that,there’s no use for it?” Again, word flow. Try inserting a word before "there's" like "if" or "when" to make it flow better. I do like your mouse. He's cute. ;) Before she could; th...

This is a beautiful story. I love how you opened it with the doctor's ultimatum and described why exactly it was so harsh to ask that. Couple nitpicky things: -So that she might life...so that she might live? -spooning one...spooning on? -She insists on the tray, it makes things so much more civilized I make the drink and put the afternoon pills on the tray and take it out to her...run on sentence. Perhaps put a semicolon where the comma is (tray; it) and a period after civilized. -We argued ...

Your thoughts are good, but no offense, the rhyming's a little tacky and some parts don't make sense. -Does it what it thrive ..???? -Can every man love? as a kid shove?...again..??? I like your thoughts, and I think you have some real talent. Just work on your presentation (ie: analogies, rhyming etc., so it doesn't sound tacky). Believe it or not, you CAN over do analogies (as many of my friends tell ME)...so just be careful with that.

This is AMAZING. I loved your imagery and your analogies. Beautifully done!

This is a very good poem; it is about Cassandra of Troy correct? You capture her very well in this poem--good imagery and similes. However, while describing her clothes is very nice, maybe consider adding a little more about her personality? Just a suggestion, but on the whole, very nice.

This poem is good, but cryptic (as it was probably intended to be). Lots of good adjectives, but it does get a little repetitive after awhile. Great lines though: my favorite was: Reached each non-negotiable marker on time. Nicely done.