swanpatronus has no favorites yet.
swanpatronus's profile
AGE:
19
LOC: Peoria, AZ
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: October 20
LOC: Peoria, AZ
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: October 20
Items
Version 1
0 Reviews
0 Comments
I ignore the doorbell the first time it rings, assuming that it’s either yet another salesman or someone claiming to hold the key to my salvation. Although I run a hair salon out of my living room, I don’t have any appointments scheduled for today, and my clients aren’t the type to drop in unannounced. Sunken into my oversized couch with the latest novel from my favorite no-brains-required series, I’m loathe to move for anything less than a national disaster. But much ...
Version 1
1 Review
0 Comments
Forgotten art hangs in the dusty hallway Debris crunching under our feet We obtain the key from where it rests Underneath an approximation of a woman’s beauty Painters’ meanings are irrelevant, she tells me Their works are only viable to their bitter subjects We close the door behind us Hoping to retain a pin’s silence It tastes like dirt in here, I say But she ignores my complaint and wanders forwards Her feet are stones in a tin can I cannot help but feel that the art gran...
Version 2
4 Reviews
0 Comments
“Time travel is most definitely impossible,” says the young man to the old man. The old man looks at him with a twinkle in his eye. “After all you’ve seen, all you’ve done, how can you still say that? How can you say that anything is impossible?” The young man chortles. “It is because of all I’ve seen and done that I make this remark.” He settles down in an easy chair near the fireplace, regarding his counterpart with respect. “For I cannot believe that all the wrongs I’ve seen, and yes, hav...
Version 1
6 Reviews
0 Comments
There’s an old tree out in the backyard. Granny says I’m not allowed to go near it in case it falls over on top of me, but sometimes when she’s not looking I walk over to it anyways. Once I even got close enough to touch its rough bark before Granny saw me. I didn’t see why it was such a big deal, because to me that tree looked sturdier than the fireman my mother ran away with when I was eight. Daddy left soon after that. He went out for a carton of milk one day when we were visiting Granny a...
Version 1
8 Reviews
0 Comments
One-hundred. Ninety-nine. Ninety-eight. Hi, there. Don’t mind me. Ninety-seven. Ninety-six. Ninety-five. Take a seat if you want. I don’t mind being watched. And I think something very interesting is about to happen. Ninety-four. Ninety-three. Ninety-two. Why am I staring at the wall, you ask? Ninety-one. Ninety. Eighty-nine. Just look at how interesting it is! All those little raised areas and all those little not-raised areas, swirling around each other. Eighty-eight. Eighty-seven. Eighty-s...
[ View all items ]
Reviews
I really like the language of the piece. You have some really beautiful phrases in here. Just a few things I noticed - you say "I soaked up the cool feel..." "Soaked" is in past tense, yet the rest of the piece is in present tense. I couldn't tell if that was supposed to be something the narrator had done the night before, since it was mentioned in the previous line, or in the present tense, in which case it's in the incorrect form. Also, something about the first line bothers me. I think it'...
First, some grammatical points: "The Boy that Came From the Sea" - "That" should be "Who" "When you love something it becomes your world." - There should be a comma between "something" and "it." "If it is the only thing you can call a friend you would die for it." - There should be a comma between "friend" and "you." "And if it was ever in danger of becoming a mere memory you would seize to exist." - There should be a comma between "memory" and "you," and "seize" should be "cease." Your sente...
Few grammatical things to begin: "You’ve grown you’ve seen." - There should be a comma between "grown" and "you've." "You’re eyes" - There should be no apostrophe in "your." "Please, I want to be peaceful. You already are." - I would repunctuate it like this. Also note that "want" is missing the 'n.' As far as the structure of the poem goes, there are a lot of lines that are off syllabically, which causes the poem to be stilted and the reader to get thrown off. One such example is the first t...
There's a few grammatical errors, such as "is" instead of "are" in the sentences talking about the nuts, birdfeeders, and trees, and the sentence about Kyle the Cockatoo is a run-on. This sounds like it could be an interesting story if fleshed out, but right now it's kind of just like a short sketch. It could be an interesting concept - it just needs more to be an actual story.
[ View all reviews ]
Favorites
People


















