supra_speed's profile

i dont think you should ask so many questions to someone specific in a poem that you want to share, i might suggest 'weasling' the questions in and be subtle about it, along with you making statements in this piece. that part aside i suggest a rewrite. on the other hand, the main portion of this piece was elegant i thought. 'Vanish so completely In the thick silence' ive never seen it put that way before and i think its great. and the richest wine, to brown and thin. wonderful. and your last ...

i would say that the first portion of this poem started slow and dull, like the pain your portraying here. a very nice start, and the second half was just overwhelming with the attention 'why'. ive never wrote anything about a situation of why per se, and i think this was done nicely. however, the first problem i had arises in S3 L1, why would you hear 'them' and not play off of that instead of going on with mars and stars? S5, the first words in the four lines, 'then then the the' just too r...

for me this was so cluttered and hard to keep in touch with. most of your lines start with two words at the end of a line, and continue into the next. i think for poetry, that might be hard for readers to interpret the connection between us, and your work. i suggest keeping the your sentences on the same line. another thing i might suggest is dropping the add on words that you use right before your desriptive words like 'of' 'and' ect. i think your metaphors are good, and thats all i can offe...