Its a good start to the tale and well written. I have some comments and suggestions below which I hope might be useful. “The interruption swayed” might be better as e.g. stalled or momentarily tripped? “She nodded again and mumbled perfectly” is awkward suggesting a perfect mumble. Also, I don’t sense she thinks she’s blown it, don’t sense any sense of panic so why the mumble? Elliot is an unusual name for a woman. Is it vital? The sense of “it will make all other forms of mass media obsolete...

I enjoyed this prologue even though it was a bit confusing at times. “Although Spirit of the Storm… riding with another man” did not make sense to me.. until later, and then could do without the horses full name so often. Change “He bulked” to “He baulked” If “Cera stood at the lip of the ravine, looking down on the crowd.” Why does the crowd knock her down? I’d like to know a little about “Kuhn” earlier in the prologue when he was mentioned? Maila seems to be a child when first mentioned. Al...

I like the concept of an adept. I dont know if it would be a general position or the sort of thing only a rich person of prince-rank would have. That aside, it raised far more questions for me than it answered. Who trains the adept? Where and how are they procured, educated, chosen for suitability? Of course all these questions can be suitably answered by 'they are magically chosen' hocum. However.. the main problem I have with the Adept concept as detailed here is not something that could be...

A few comments as I read and an overview at the end “out from behind the tree” is repeating the first line? Also you could maybe do without “like those of a dog” having said this next sentence? “..height. He could..” maybe is best as part of next para? Id say an 8 foot wolf was massive! Overview: Im not sure about the moffat creature. A little more description possibly? We hear lots about wolves and talking wolves but not much about where Havi is from. Maybe start the piece with 'Havi was a M...

The piece has a scattering of difficult prose – its very conversational in style, but that means it comes across as a bit sloppy because it is not a conversation. Here are a few examples, and I hope you dont think Im nit picking: “stupid fucking argument..” “Little did I realize that..” “I’ve got your pain, asshole..” Dont know if ’solemnly’ goes with ’tears’ - as one word is without emotion, one with. There are a lot of other words that seem to me to be mis-placed e.g. M’s life ‘dominated’ b...

Punctuation commas ‘at all, on’, ‘Danby, was’ etc and throughout. Some tense issues e.g. “There was nothing like a comforting silence” Wodering where “the ghetto” is in London? brixton? Stockwell? Lambeth? Tower hamlets? Hmm? “A place where even an agent will go to voluntarily” is lost on me. “..voice straight out of a Victorian novel” is funny but impossible! Sense in “With just the forty agents” ... amazed that the floor got busy? Surely the word ‘just’ indicates not enough so it would be b...

Its a curious piece this and nicely paced overall. I have not really picked up on the mans involvement in the scene, however, apart from his lewdness, though there is 'darling' at the very end. Is he husband, boyfriend, stranger?

“less than illuminating her face” is a destruction of sense of ‘illumination’ here. If its not illuminated there is no reason to put the word in. “and uprooted” maybe needs a new sentence to keep the meaning of “Gone was the....” Loud is totally unnecessary in “without even any loud exchange” Then came the tears. I was ashamed. Suggests he’s crying – but next para Shes crying? I laughed at the “scent of Stella McCartney” - is it a perfume or sweat? “My stomach seems to fill with butterflies, ...

Here are a few points: Why “the” Nigura city? “Desert” throughout. There are a few instances where i think I know what you mean – but then I realise I dont. E.g. The dessert valley path was a harsh one, even by early morning. Now the ‘even’.. should qualify it, but doesnt. If its because its cooler in the morning say so – although what difference would that make to a ‘path’? A journeys comfort, yes. Whats the sense of pool in “making the road more of a pool”? Wizened? Often “one” of the winds...

A single shaft through Venetian blinds? It would chop it up... “like a grievous untruth?” etc I like the thoughts that follow ‘i love you’ Dont see the contrast of “dark skin” and “gunmetal gray” An amusing ending. Overall I liked the piece – not certain if the lady would be skipping away exactly if she was so inhibited to start with – but is that a point you might want to make? The machine liberated her? Its kind of bitter-sweet if so. For shock value it might be more amusing if the exhibiti...