stygmarsh's profile
AGE:
100
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 19
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 19
Hallo from London. I have been inspired to write a Fantasy Adventure Story called Stygmarsh and have put the introduction and beginning chapters on here. It seems a very user-friendly site! I hope to get involved in reviewing as well, which will be an interesting experience.
Please have a look and feel free to send any comments, the good and the bad.
(save the ugly for the politicians)
I hope you enjoy it!
Stygmarsh
As a reviewer I will review as a reader. Thats all I am – I dont pretend to be knowledgeable in any genre. I usually only suggest things to change as I read, and usually try to give some constructive reason. I respect the wide range of styles I have experienced here so far and this alone is enough to keep me coming ba…
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Chapter 12. The Black Chain Goblins Brother Michael was the sole witness of the abduction of Manon by the Goblins, but he was too confused to do anything of immediate use. When it finally dawned on him what was happening he tried to call for help. Not all the Goblins, however, had left the camp. As Michael turned, the Goblin captain, Kurnelius, stepped from behind a rock in front of him. The Goblin was carrying something bulky in both hands and with a yellow-toothed grin he cast it at Michael...
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1 Review
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Chapter 11. The Whistling Gorge “Looks like the sign they was waitin’ for,” Manon called to the company. The young marshman had been keeping a watch on the lizards all evening since they’d stopped, mainly out of personal curiosity. “Ere we go again,” Jim sighed heavily, “Wish they’d sort it out.” Kharoon gave sharp orders to the lizards, who began to pack the camp again and ready for marching. The company quickly refolded their own tents, their hands by now experienced at the task. As they be...
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Version 1
4 Reviews
11 Comments
“Looks like the sign they was waitin’ for,” Manon said, as Kharoon gave sharp orders to the lizards, who began to pack the camp again and ready for marching. “Ere we go again,” Jim sighed, “Wish they’d sort it out.” The company quickly refolded their own tents, their hands by now experienced at the task. “No eat. No drink. No touch,” Kharoon warned them as they began forward, “All bad. All Kappu.” Shouldering the Chosen’s cage the great lizards began moving up into the canyon in single file....
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Version 2
10 Reviews
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Only the Goblin didn’t sleep. All the time the humans had been with Cairn, Tarn waited, keeping an eye on the Gont’s house out of the window. He’d been half expecting the Giant to return for him, to add him to the cook pot; yes Tarn fancied he knew more of the dark nature of Gonts than the humans. When the first group rolled back to the Giant’s barn, drunk and happy, Tarn kept to the shadows, still suspicious and watchful. Only when Jim and Manon returned did his fears subside a bit. He made...
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Version 1
3 Reviews
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Only the Goblin didn’t sleep. All the time the humans had been with Cairn, Tarn waited, keeping an eye on the Gont’s house out of the window. He’d been half expecting the Giant to return for him, to add him to the cook pot; yes Tarn fancied he knew more of the dark nature of Gonts than the humans. When the first group rolled in drunk and happy, Tarn kept to the shadows, still suspicious and watchful. Only when Jim and Manon returned did his fears subside a bit. He made sure that the barn doo...
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A single shaft through Venetian blinds? It would chop it up... “like a grievous untruth?” etc I like the thoughts that follow ‘i love you’ Dont see the contrast of “dark skin” and “gunmetal gray” An amusing ending. Overall I liked the piece – not certain if the lady would be skipping away exactly if she was so inhibited to start with – but is that a point you might want to make? The machine liberated her? Its kind of bitter-sweet if so. For shock value it might be more amusing if the exhibiti...
Here are a few points: Why “the” Nigura city? “Desert” throughout. There are a few instances where i think I know what you mean – but then I realise I dont. E.g. The dessert valley path was a harsh one, even by early morning. Now the ‘even’.. should qualify it, but doesnt. If its because its cooler in the morning say so – although what difference would that make to a ‘path’? A journeys comfort, yes. Whats the sense of pool in “making the road more of a pool”? Wizened? Often “one” of the winds...
“less than illuminating her face” is a destruction of sense of ‘illumination’ here. If its not illuminated there is no reason to put the word in. “and uprooted” maybe needs a new sentence to keep the meaning of “Gone was the....” Loud is totally unnecessary in “without even any loud exchange” Then came the tears. I was ashamed. Suggests he’s crying – but next para Shes crying? I laughed at the “scent of Stella McCartney” - is it a perfume or sweat? “My stomach seems to fill with butterflies, ...
Its a curious piece this and nicely paced overall. I have not really picked up on the mans involvement in the scene, however, apart from his lewdness, though there is 'darling' at the very end. Is he husband, boyfriend, stranger?
Punctuation commas ‘at all, on’, ‘Danby, was’ etc and throughout. Some tense issues e.g. “There was nothing like a comforting silence” Wodering where “the ghetto” is in London? brixton? Stockwell? Lambeth? Tower hamlets? Hmm? “A place where even an agent will go to voluntarily” is lost on me. “..voice straight out of a Victorian novel” is funny but impossible! Sense in “With just the forty agents” ... amazed that the floor got busy? Surely the word ‘just’ indicates not enough so it would be b...
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