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LAST LOGIN: April 29
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Version 1
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Chi hohchifo nanta? - What is your name? I have seen you before in a dream. Chi hohchifo nanta? I have met you before in another life hundreds of years ago. Chi hohchifo nanta? You watch me as if you want to ask me my name. It is something that we can't explain. Something that no one would understand. You turn and say the same thing you said all those years ago. I will miss you until I find you again. There are some days I stop and wonder where you are. You are my only love. I hated you when ...
Version 1
2 Reviews
0 Comments
inside the walls of my mind a child cries clinging to a teddy bear she sobs in its ears the bear hugs her patiently and listens to her talk the garbled, mumbled, tear stained words vanish like the early morning fog only she knows the words she has spoken and she is too frightened to tell them aloud only within the walls of my mind can i tell her story only there can I protect that little girl she has seen too much to be so young her soul is filled with the wisdom of a person who has lived man...
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I like the general idea of the story. I do have a couple of pointers. 1) I would try using different names or making sure that the names are not as similar(ie Jen,Jeff,Jake). 2)You have the outline of what is going on I would try filling in the blanks that way your reader can connect. For example the opening line, “Come on Susan, just one date.” Jen tried to convince her." What is susan doing visually, how is she standing is she rolling her eyes at Jen or is she sitting at a desk. What is the...
The short story is a very nice piece with a strong beginning. Paragraph 3 is one that has me a little confused. The first sentence in my opinion should be reversed. Are the characters knots being unwound by the working or by the quiet? The second sentence for me personally needs to use commas. If you like that flow leave it. The 7th and 8th paragraphs transition into your characters imagination is a little abrupt. On the other hand, the transition of the character back into reality is brillia...
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