stefykg's profile
AGE:
16
LOC: Schaumburg, IL
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: November 04
LOC: Schaumburg, IL
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: November 04
Items
Version 7
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The first few steps were the easiest. Then each following step, I felt tired and my strength only felt more limited as I became more determined to take the easier route home. As I boarded the seemingly lonely train, I stepped up into the hallway of the poorly lit car. I sat myself down on a slightly cushioned piece of plastic next to the window. I closed my eyes and felt the train start to move which made me jerk a little bit forward. I knew what I was going to see out of that window. Out of ...
Version 6
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The first few steps, were the easiest. Each step afterward, I felt more tired and my strength only felt more limited as I became more determined to take the easier route home. As I boarded the seemingly lonely train, I stepped up into the hallway of the poorly lit car. I sat myself down on a slightly cushioned piece of plastic next to the window. I closed my eyes and felt the train jerk and start to move. I knew what I was going to see out of that window. Out of that rusted framed glass, past...
Version 5
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The first few steps, were the easiest. Each step afterward, I felt more tired and my strength only felt more limited as I became more determined to take the easier route home. As I boarded the seemingly lonely train, I stepped up into the hallway of the poorly lit car. I sat myself down on a slightly cushioned piece of plastic next to the window. I closed my eyes and felt the train jerk and start to move. I knew what I was going to see out of that window. Out of that rusted framed glass, past...
Version 1
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The tired infant on his boat made of clay sailed out in deep purple seas his first day. The first thing he did was shake the ground, So his mama put him on a boat to go around. But poor baby he's still, so hopelessly, yelling. And the Ocean is drowning in his infinite crying. Our little infant remorsing the loss of his sweet sanctuary Trying to find something as soft or as lovely. He doesn't know anything but the hunger that penetrated him from birth. But satisfaction for this specific need o...
Version 4
0 Reviews
0 Comments
The first few steps, were the easiest. Each step afterward, I felt more tired and my strength only felt more limited as I became more determined to take the easier route home. As I boarded the seemingly lonely train, I stepped up into the hallway of the poorly lit car. I sat myself down on a slightly cushioned piece of plastic next to the window. I closed my eyes and felt the train jerk and start to move. I knew what I was going to see out of that window. Out of that rusted framed glass, past...
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Reviews
I like the flow of it. Excellent Rhyming. I think that maybe the structure should go by couplets like this: Make a day, awake a night. Share a passion, bring forth the light. Climb a mountain, roll a hill. Leave the second line uncapitalized like that and you still get the flow of them being together while still being separate which brings out the rhyming more distinctively. Especially in the last lines: The span of life, a stippled technique. This gift it gives, is the masterpiece You have a...
This empire of gold, taxes on your soul. This is the most interesting line. The one that captured me the most. It's very strong in depth. The rest of your lyrics, it's a bit hard because the rhyming is loose and without a very good structure but unless I heard it sung I wouldn't know if it could work or not. I'm just letting you know then to be careful of that. In saying that I can't really critique your gramer and such knowing that this is meant to be heard not read. The thing is that I like...
How do you cough productively? Maybe be a little more detailed on this? “That’s my alma mater you know?” He coughed again- productively. Your format is weird. I think this might be the doing of urbis? If not then I think you need to fix it and make it proper paragraph format. I was sore confused Sort of not sore. Also the conext this part is in is a run on sentence. I understand you can do that with quoatations but it's a bit boring the way she is speaking. Makes me not grasp and just skim th...
Millions make a pilgrimage to this idol Lined up for miles with stones in hand screaming preprogrammed phrases, beating chests, drowning each other out. Very powerful word choice and structure. Intense meaning. as though death or god were at the door. God should be capitalized. America’s Stupidest People Maiming Themselves, Why is this italicized? You come in completely strong. You caught me from the first few lines. Eventually you get even harsher in every word that you say which surprised m...
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