ITEMS (2)
stardust06's profile
AGE:
20
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: June 20
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: June 20
I do this for my own enjoyment. I follow my instincts. I hardly ever write because I can’t force it. I wish I could. But if it’s going to happen it has to be inspired by something significant. It has to be one of those moments where all the thoughts are so completely jumbled in my head that I have to sort them out and writing is usually the best way for me to do that. It’s totally spontaneous, so don’t expect any of this to be technically outstanding or professional because I really have no idea what I’m doing. I don’t read as much as I should, and I don’t ponder on the profound aspects of life as much as a poet stereotypically does. Most of the time I’m too busy studying, working, and (this year) traveling around South America. I’m an a…
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Version 9
6 Reviews
2 Comments
You looked different when I knew you. Not so… wax. Like the face in the museum third-grade field trip when all the little girls giggled. They did your hair wrong and it´s irritating. So’s this aching, stabbing in my gut. I want to scream at someone. You were always the nicer one. They'll ask: "How many siblings do you have?" and I honestly won't know. Are you past tense? A story to be gossiped about? Someone’s bragging rights for pain? We’re all so possessive - now. I always followed - toe to...
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Version 2
1 Review
0 Comments
Tossing and turning, Trying desperately to sleep. It's the only solace, For a broken heart. It’s in the darkness When you haunt me - taunt me. Your voice, your face, your eyes, Torment me to sleep. I’ve finally drifted off. Escaped where you won’t be. But even now I dream of you. There’s no refuge here for me.
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Version 1
2 Reviews
0 Comments
You looked different When I knew you. Not so… Wax. Like the face in the museum Third-grade field trip When all the little girls giggled. But wait: don’t I still know you? Or only know of you? Knew you? Another piece of gossip To drift around for awhile? Someone’s bragging rights for pain? We’re all so possessive - Now. Some things still whisper in our ears Long after They’ve bowed their leave. You were cheated From a full cup Of living But if you’d like I can try to do the job.
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This is a good idea - entertaining. 4th line from the top I think might benefit from dropping the "he" - too many pronouns can clutter things up sometimes. Trying playing with this some more and see if you can get some kind of a cadence going - it didn't seem to flow very well for me. Good start, but I think a meter would make it twice as good!
I really like this. One little thing (think it's just a typo) last line is it supposed to be is* instead of in*?
This is really eye-catching. I enjoyed it. Try sorting out your capitalization and punctuation. I say this to almost everyone I review, and I'm really tired of it, but almost every single time it's true. You have so much more control over the way the reader goes through the poem when you do this! Where you want us to pause and let something sink in, where you want us to keep going to put the whole idea together....even just understanding where the sentences begin and end! The other thing: 2nd...
This is sweet and understandable. The 4th line of the first stanza kind of stumbles, but maybe that's the "Shakespearian" style (I'm no expert on Shakespeare, honestly, and embarrassingly I've only ever read a couple of his sonnets in a collection of "greatest poems". That line just seems like you were trying a little to hard to make it rhyme. Maybe just take a little break from it, don't over-think it too much, give it a little rest, then come back and look at it and see if something genius ...
Don't change a word. The words are perfect - as is. Just finish up your punctuation - you have a period at the end of the first stanza, but none of the rest. Also, the again at the end of that line kind of threw me at first. Upon reading the whole stanza it makes sense how you placed it, but to read easier it might help to either put another comma afterwards or move it to the next line. Or, for even more emphasis you could give it it's own line. Maybe that's going a little far.... Just play w...
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