This poem carries no punch and fails to connect to me. Why? Because it is full of cliches, vague imagery, and lacks direction. I would be surprised if you can publish this with any decent publication. You did ask what did I think. Now how do you fix: Basics First break into stanzas. Second use proper punctuation. Third don't use rhyme for rhyming sake - have a reason or don't use it at all. Intermediate Decide on one idea and dig really deep into it. Don't be vague. Who is your friend? what d...

Yes, there are a lot of simple technical errors in this piece just like Burn pointed out. I know you can fix those on your own and will do so. So I am not going to pound any of that. Besides, I am sure DC will be willing to do that for you. You ask help with character and exposition. So here I go: Exposition first - Overall it held my interest and, I admit, was fascinated by the wordcrafting which created images easily and quickly for me. But I do have a couple of issues - I didn't know where...

avermitsky has no friends yet but we should not ferget his yellow journalism and inspired pluralism. The mighty Review Guardians protect us against such fiends with a slash and dash and lash they bash the cut-n-paste mash. What reward has he wrought? With a battle so badly fought? The contempt of those he cheated and his dignity defeated. avermitsky has not friends yet but let us not even fret because this curof a man has just been Urbis-banned What can I say? You inspired me! Thanks for the ...

IT is most unfortunate that his statement is not being answered. If you are serious about challenging him to a poetry writing duel, this is not really the best first punch. Title is wrong - Shakey is a white man - unless that is your name and you are not white. Although I did enjoy the piece, I have to assume this is a serious challenge. So I have to be critical of it. I am a Latino and I want you to represent. And represent well. I think instead of alluding to the cause of your challenge, sp...

How does he know what his destination is? You don't explain. I would cut out that phrase completely or expand on the idea. You tell us his stomach clenches in nervous anticipation - but it is more than that. It acts as a warning - how does he sense the Vamps? Explain. Don't be too hasty to get to the action. Build up suspense with more development of the character and description of where he is at. The Alpha Vamp dialog is cartoonish and cliche - come on give your audience some cred for intel...

Drabble huh? Ok my standard drabble review: Suggested deletions: literally +1 just by looking at them +5 Now +1 you know +2 I bring my hand to my nose to find +9 Suggested changes: Discovering I was telekinetic made me go apeshit: knocking... +1 and undressing sexy women. I am a god. +4 I hear "Fire" and the sound of bullets released. +3 lip - blood! now you have 26 more words to develop the character and suspense a little more. Explain how he has the energy to do the things he is claiming to...

I have been avoiding reviewing this for weeks now. Why? Because of the title. For that reason, I recommend you changing it. A few technical notes. Remove most instances of "that" "just" "also" "seem" and other filler words. They weaken your writing. If I told you you had as... see it reads better Make sure you choose active verbs over passive verbs or verb structures. He masks... Stronger no? The confusion happens early - right at the first sentence actually. It is a good hook but after you h...

The first four lines sound nice enough alone - why add more? Suggestions: Punctuate correctly, small letter unless it is a brand new thought/sentence. L1 remove "A" L2 remove "in" Get rid of double space between all lines except new verse. L5 begins a new verse. L7 "its artist real feelings."

First of all, congrats - this is a story I read without really being distracted with any blaring issues except one: What is with all the #? I always found them to be a lazy way to show transition from scene to scene. Maybe you should removing them and using words for the transitions, IMHO. They are distracting and simply mark you as lazy or, worse yet, as believing your readers can't figure out transitions. I can see this being in a magazine or an anthology as it stands. You should send it of...

sitting not sat - appeared twice. The flow is good. It moves fine from scene to scene and there are no logic errors. The story line is easy enough to follow even if it is cliche. I understand this it supposed to be humorous and different. A twist on the horror story - Mack being the monster and the zombies being the victim and Mack ending up becoming a monster at the end. I did chuckle as I was slightly amused by the idea. As a 10 minute film this may work, but I don't feel this will get a st...