squarehopper's profile

sitting not sat - appeared twice. The flow is good. It moves fine from scene to scene and there are no logic errors. The story line is easy enough to follow even if it is cliche. I understand this it supposed to be humorous and different. A twist on the horror story - Mack being the monster and the zombies being the victim and Mack ending up becoming a monster at the end. I did chuckle as I was slightly amused by the idea. As a 10 minute film this may work, but I don't feel this will get a st...

First of all, congrats - this is a story I read without really being distracted with any blaring issues except one: What is with all the #? I always found them to be a lazy way to show transition from scene to scene. Maybe you should removing them and using words for the transitions, IMHO. They are distracting and simply mark you as lazy or, worse yet, as believing your readers can't figure out transitions. I can see this being in a magazine or an anthology as it stands. You should send it of...

The first four lines sound nice enough alone - why add more? Suggestions: Punctuate correctly, small letter unless it is a brand new thought/sentence. L1 remove "A" L2 remove "in" Get rid of double space between all lines except new verse. L5 begins a new verse. L7 "its artist real feelings."

I have been avoiding reviewing this for weeks now. Why? Because of the title. For that reason, I recommend you changing it. A few technical notes. Remove most instances of "that" "just" "also" "seem" and other filler words. They weaken your writing. If I told you you had as... see it reads better Make sure you choose active verbs over passive verbs or verb structures. He masks... Stronger no? The confusion happens early - right at the first sentence actually. It is a good hook but after you h...