squarehopper's profile

I would place this under non-fiction. Though it is has some poetic qualities and characteristics, it is more a self reflection - a journal entry - a biographical snapshot. I think this is well written. It can bear expansion in a few areas: cracks and fissures - you give us tangibles of his "good" points, give us some here as well - especially tying it with your theme of night/dark. This is praising him, but there is more there than just admiration, there is a dark part as well, bring that out...

overused terms that have lost their meaning: I would list them, but then I would be posting almost the whole poem. This lacks any definition because of the broadness of these terms. You need to find your own creativity, you own voice, your own words to express what you want to say. Others have used these words too many times that it makes it almost impossible for you to breathe new life into them. I would recommend you think seriously about this one and use your own imagination, and creativit...

The repetition of "are you ok" is not a good idea. Have you tried reading this out loud? You will see it becomes very monotonous quickly. It becomes a droning sound. Then this piece suffers from the use of BROAD words just like the other poem I reviewed. These words are: "Bad day", "endless cycle", "lame", "soundless futility", "change", "persistence" "old habits", "bide my time". Not only are these words and phrases broad, but many of them have lost their meaning through overuse (otherwise c...

Billy... First let me start off by letting you know that I am very direct critic. Second, let me tell you that whatever I have to tell you, take what you can from it and dismiss the rest. But don't take it personally. This piece has no direction because you use very broad terms. These words lack definite boundaries and fail to communicate a vivid and direct portrait. Words like Dream, mystery, essence, road, illusion, truth, and unknown. These word can and do take on a myriad of meanings for ...

Much better. I can feel the struggle and force being exhorted. I can see myself in the role... and then you connect with my imagery with the "my". Very well done. This is a very deep and sensual piece. A great metaphor for many things. I have nothing to say more about this. The other reviewer had some thoughts but I don't necessarily agree with them. Leave this up for more reviews and build up your credits and see what others have to say. Especially EAnnonymous, ClaireD, WIllow Wren, Tia and ...