This was interesting. The imaginary friend concept is something new. I enjoyed reading it. "homeless man that sits just outside of it was sitting" you don't need to say he was sitting twice. you can delete 'that sits just outside of it' "But he was cut off my me, who remembered that she had an extra key to his apartment in her backpack." you mean by instead of my, and isn't this in first-person POV, so shouldn't after the comma be 'after I remembered I had an extra key to his apartment in my ...

There are many grammer and spelling problems here. I'll point some out in parentheses in the following sentence: i(captialize) imagined everyone(space here)hating me for the five whole seconds that it would last thinking to themselves "Stupid girl, riding th(add e) lator when she hasn't been trained" After the first paragraph, everything is in fragments, just telling what the character is doing. I surely hope you don't write the whole story like this. It was hard to follow. I couldn't really ...

Great way to start a story. The first sentence caught my attention instantly. Who wouldn't be interested in a story where someone dies after being proposed to? And then afterwards, you heightened the mystery of the story and described the character's feelings very vividly. The ending line was great too, it made me want to read the next chapter immediately. This was one of the best beginnings I've read in a long time. I couldn't find anything to criticize. I would have liked to know the main c...

You have some interesting word choices. I see what you meant in your notes. You should defintitely try to simplify by using more common words. Sleepwalk is way easier to use than somnambulate. I also noticed that you switched from present tense to past tense a few times. Watch out for that. I find this story hard to follow in the beginning. I barely understood what was going on. The sentences are incomplete. Too many fragments.

I enjoyed reading this from beginning to end. Probably the most exciting and intriguing science fiction I've read on this site. I like how the comp uses such complex terminology as you would expect a computer to, if it could talk, since they seem so smart. It must be hard writing in present tense because past tense is more common, but you do it well. Kudos. Maybe you should provide more details and suspense before Lydia blacks out. It seems to happen too fast. Maybe she could feel the shake o...

Yes, I believe this is worth pursuing. It's a great beginning and would go with a very clever plotline. The beginning italics part was a little confusing at first but later I understood that it was inside the mind of the woman who Kierenan found. "And were was she" where not were your quotations are so weird. the starting quotes are low like two commas. It confused me. "Kalen looked and his son" at not and "fathers and brothers" both should have apostrophes before 's' This beginnng has myster...

I like this story. There's a lot of creativity here. But there are plenty of grammer problems. You sometimes don't capitalize 'i' and you don't capitalize the initial letter of the word at beginning of sentences. A few grammer problems wouldn't hurt, but there are so many here. "though his sword in it's sheath beside his waist made a loud racket" sentence fragments like this don't sound right by themselves. It should be part of the previous sentence, separating them with a comma. Sometimes yo...

This wasn't bad. I was hoping there'd be more excitement in the story by now, but maybe you're getting to that. Why did you change the name of the characters? The name switching confused me. Are you trying to use names that are less common? I don't think you need that background part about Blade and Stephen O'Mieles. If it is needed, maybe you could put in in a conversation between two people because to me it's somewhat tedious and disrupts the flow of the story. "read the new" news not new "...

It's weird because the beginning doesn't seem to fit at all into the end. The part about the Wicker Man and sacrificing seemed like a whole different fantasy world, and then it switches to a real world place like Seattle. I guess I'd have to know more of the story to understand it completely. I like this story though, except i'm starting to hear about vampires too often these days. I'm guessing the cresent moon symbol means Tristan is a vampire, that's why he grows up to kill people? I couldn...

Not bad if this is just for practice. This was written very nicely. I like how it started suspenseful with the woman and how you made the reader think she was carrying a baby when in fact she was hiding the stolen chalice. In the beginning, you start from the narrator's point-of-view and even go inside the curator's head when you say he feared execution. Perhaps you should just start in the POV of the robed woman. You have some excellent imagery. I especially liked this line: "The rain soaked...