sivvy's profile

Whoa, this is a tight piece. I've read it at least ten times to make sure that I didn't overlook anything that could be tweaked to make this stronger. The only thing wrong with this poem is that I didn't write it. :P

This piece fails to amuse, entertain or warm the heart of this reader because it eludes to a specific problem concerning a baby but offers no specifics of what happened. First I'm presented with a baby being kept in happy bliss. Having had five babies of my own, I know this to be impossible, but I'm willing to imagine it if there is artistic reason. Next I am told of the terror some unspecified person or people have over what MAY come. While they are apparently trying to avoid something, time...

This piece works on several levels. It has a good balance between obscurity and clarity. It evokes deep emotion. It also has rhythm. You have achieved a lot within 102 words. My favorite line is "lost in the unopened room." In five words, you've told me something that I can relate to in a way that grabs my attention and leaves me interested in more. The weakest aspect of the piece is the loose grammatical structure. If you want to revise this, I would strongly suggest that you change some of ...