sircmichaels's profile

I like the use of the page numbers in the journal. And the first poem about Hallie. All very cool. One slight thing that threw me off. The second-to-last paragraph begins: "There were no other chapters in my life,..." and then the next paragraph begins: "Chapter one spans..." I understand what you're saying but you could prolly lose the last paragraph altogether. It would work just as well to end it with: "I will never be clean." It will read like its own unique story, and then you can go rig...

First, of course, you need to list the cast. There was a wee bit of confusion in the stage directions at the beginning, where you explain: "From this point on none of the cast remember what has come before except for select people named later on." It became apparent what you meant (I think) but you might want to clarify that. Also, there were typos riddled throughout. (Nothing a spellcheck can't fix.) Ultimately you need to ask yourself what the play is about, and attempt to communicate that....

Pretty fun stuff. Obviously you'll need to add some info to the top of the show, at least a cast list so we know who these characters are and how they look, etc. Most stage directions are dismissed outright unless they deal directly with the action in the show (as you have done.) In other words, the less stage directions the better. You're on the right track in that department. As for the development of the characters, it is apparent this is a spoof of Scooby-Doo, which is fine. But you might...

Heh. This is a lot of fun. It works well on many levels, and after reading the concept of the book you have posted, I think it will be very exciting indeed. I did see a couple of spots that had tense issues, but they were insignificant. This is a great read. Very keen on being able to see the rest.

Very interesting read. All very compelling. The only time I felt the voice shift is when you use the line: "Think about it." in the middle of the one paragraph. It just seems to break up the thought in a way that makes the paragraph less compelling.