sirM's profile

sirM avatar
AGE: 40
LOC: Saint Helena, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: December 29

sweets with sweets war not, joy delights in joy

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Items
Version 1
0 Reviews   0 Comments
I THINK IT HAPPENS LIKE THIS I think it happens like this. First, it’s like a magnet that brings iron to itself, Tugging pieces out of thick sadness But still bound, pressed by a central dream. Eloquence, fancy pants, Kaledescope, menagerie, A tonal cord for the symphony, a home, safety, Till it’s shrapnelled from the sun like filigree. It’s like a huntsman, then, alone, shouting for his dogs, Guttural, from the belly, searching for something lost. Paws crunch the froze...
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Version 1
5 Reviews   0 Comments
I think it happens like this like a magnet that brings iron to itself tugging pieces out of thick sadness but still bound, pressed by a central dream. Then, it's like tiny splayed filigree, shot from the sun like a solitary huntsman, shouting for his dogs, guttural, from the belly, searching for something lost. Paws crunch the frozen snow. Coat left for the animals to smell home. Then, in one hoped for moment, tiny cracks from twigs. It must have happened like this.  
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Short Story / deaths at the opera
Version 1
0 Reviews   0 Comments
My ex-girlfriend used to say that opera was for drag queens and interior decorators. She refused to attend any performances after our very first “La Traviata” where she found the singing and the costumes “just silly.” She would quip with friends about our “la, la, la” time that night. The opera’s tragic death scene made her want to “kill herself.” Death never came “so slowly.” Etc., etc., etc. I listened to it for years. As a m...
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Short Story / a night at the opera
Version 1
7 Reviews   0 Comments
A night at the opera.... The second plate went back. The waiter and I exchanged glances. A furtive eye-brow slid up in a quick quiver. It was the type you might imagine on a frog if it had an eyebrow just before its tongue took off for a fly or, alternatively, just before it jumped from a lily pad to avoid a big bass rising from the depths threatening to eat it. This case was the latter. Our waiter, I am sure, felt lucky to have his eyebrows intact after the beating he had taken from my frie...
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Poetry / Backstage Pass
Version 1
0 Reviews   0 Comments
These words regard the past reach backward for a beginning something once a stagnant room of antiquated things an armoir with a door that will not close dust on the window that will not open your lover, bare naked, waiting for you images shrilling through the mind with chains as through a Victorian house wailing in white calling for a place in the present. A part of you is dead already talking as in a dream spilling out of the mind but not like water or wine from broken stemware. The words ar...
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Reviews
Novel Treatments / Nikki The Wraith
Bordering on the pedantic, I want to petition you to get rid of one "it" in your opening sentance. The second sentance is very chewy too. They are stumbling blocks as an entrance to your story. I like the paper ball sentance, thinking it engages your reader quickly and might be a stellar opening sentance for its simplicity. As the action shifts to the mountain lion episode the writing becomes more interesting too, the similie of the sweater thread coming the most quickly to my mind. Like your...
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Tucson--Continued
Since I didn't read the first two chapters, I am going to offer some thoughts about your phrasing. "I knew this because I woke up alone, curled in the backseat" might gain some greater drama if you left "alone" for last: I woke curled in the backseat alone. The next sentance's "that" could also be omitted, if only to make it more seamless: "I could tell by the smell of..." The pacing of the story works well. There's a moment in the second quarter of the story where you might reverse the order...
Short Story / Steeping Jasmine
The story's structure, separated by days, enhances the suspense, suggesting, as it does, a culminating point and a sexual build. The dialect is slang enough to seem real and yet not too far out to make us think of James Joyce or something. Then again, if he did it... Anyway, one moment strikes me as being capable of elaboration: "“Bueno,: he said softly, slightly raising his hands. she inhales and feels her eyes dilate. Frightened by her intensity and his sensuality." Your readers have a sens...
Short Story / Rone
Ok, first let me be tedious and move on from there. The first paragraph is crafted in the present. The second paragraph (let's call it) introduces language that makes it seem like you've swiveled to the past, recalling the incident as a writer, and evident most intensely in: "This would surely create havoc in the now streamlined life we lived. Was is worth it, I questioned, possibly out loud." I think you need to rework this paragraph to keep it firmly in the present, so your readers can cont...
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
Poetry / no title
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