very intresting premise for a story! I'd love to see you flesh it out, give her a name, explain why it wasn't safe...etc. Do use a grammar checker even for tidbits posted here---mistakes like that can be distracting.

First let me say that i LOVE this! It's really good as is, and worthy of publishing. My only suggestion might be that I think that stanza three (so young...) is too wordy. It's difficult to hear the meter without listening closely in my head, which in turn disrupts the flow of the piece. Thanks for making me smile!

A very, very good work, it speaks to me personally. You've captured something i worry about every day. I do hope you'll find a place to publish it. The only real criticism i have for you is that " I had never heard him yell that way before, as I did the day I brought my father to the doctor. would be more clear if it were -- I had never heard him yell as he did the day i took him to the doctor". Thanks for a poignant story that is quite well written!

The basis for the story is familiar territory. I like your general style, however, i'd suggest that you watch your adjective groupings. I noted 3 times in the prologue where your descriptions were, for example, "cold, wet, exhausted". I also would mention that the format is VERY difficult to read. Please double space between paragraphs. It's much to easy to lose one's place. The set-up between the sniper and the blast is good. I was watching for the resolution for the entire chapter, so there...

This is a good piece, showcasing the religious angst we all feel. The only thing i think i'd change are the lines "i'm 11 again" and "i'm grown up now". Perhaps saying I feel eleven again, or I imagine i am, or i'm momentarily reduced to feeling...some such thing. Nice work otherwise!

i love the mixed metaphor of freeze-dried 16 millimeter. I knew immediately the politician in mind! Thats conservation of words. you speak of crucifixion and then of spilled blood---somehow those two don'e agree for me. crucify is soooo violent, and spilled seems almost accidental. I know that's used frequently, even in the bible, but thats my thought. It's really just nit picking, as this is a wonderful piece. Thanks for sharing.

General thoughts: it's a good plot, begins with a bit too much detail, with little "flesh". I like the characters, thats half the battle. I think you dropped the locked store room with no clerk line---i expected it to be a clerk locked in the back room or dead, or at least some mention of it in the police report. The homey scene was nice. If you're going to speak spenglish (spanish mexed with english) there i think you should do it with the little girl at the quick stop too. Good build, nice ...

Very descriptive, very adept with words. The initial seasonal transition is not clear, you go from warm blowing winds, to wintery hardness with no word o f time passing. I also think that "filthy covers" changes the portrayal of your character completely. He/she goes from frightened and depressed to something more dark, I prefered to think of him/her as more ordinary. Overall a good piece, thanks!

It's hard for me to tell where we're headed here---pretty confusing this early on, but I love the witty dialogue! I think that the only criticism I can really offer at this point is that the Rev. is comming off a bit high and mighty, not (as i believe you may intend) just distracted and strange. She seems to be giving her friend a bit of a Half-assed brush off, as though he were a hired driver. I appreciate the relevence to the times, the current topics and habits of your characters. I'll loo...

It is, afterall, the soul of it. The writers need for regurgitation of a hypersensitively perceived world, artfully arranged to make it more palatable to ourselves and the world. I get it, it's good.