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shal's profile
AGE:
30
LOC: Angola
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: September 22
LOC: Angola
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: September 22
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Version 1
11 Reviews
1 Comment
Night had fallen in Lanzhou and I wanted a cigarette. I decided to walk the city aimlessly until I found one. The air was a freezing, sharp cold. I looked at the milky night sky; soon there would be snow. I passed the window of a hair salon and saw hands beckoning me inside. It was a sudden flurry of movement from inside the dark room, hands disconnected from bodies, waving frantically. The door slid open and I saw a group of girls sitting in a small, dark room with florescent pink lighting. ...
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Reviews
This is, by far, the strangest thing I have read here. Totally bizzare and unkowable. I think it's good. But I am unsure of its weirdness shocks you into thinking its good.
This is good. For about a year I read nothing but novels from India. Anyways; some things that need help..some sentances are redundant. You could cut two of them, join them together and make the story flow much better. These are minor complaints. With some work this could be published.
It feels just a bit grandiose and overly serious. Rambles a little bit and, in certain places, is difficult to follow. I think it just needs to be smoothed out a little bit, spaced out. Maybe it moves too fast. Taking some time would help this piece.
This is a good start. Take your time more. Develop it. There are parts where the phrasing is kind of not too good, but overall, it's a very clean piece. I think there are parts where you could have greatly fleshed it out. Use your descriptive skills to give the scene setting some life. Fix your keyboard.
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