scottlyon2003's profile

AGE: 32
LOC: Clearwater, FL
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 27

IMPORTANT PET PEEVE: I hate it when people quote chunks of my story back to me in the review. If you have a problem with the phrasing of a sentence, quote the section you have an issue with, NOT THE WHOLE PAGE. All it does is pad your review for points, abuse the Urbis system, and diminish the value of your opinion. Don’t waste my time or my points!

On a lighter note, I have been writing for almost twenty years, but have never submitted anything for publication. I dabbled in poetry, short stories, and even a couple novels, but lack a sufficiently long attention span to finish any of the novels I’ve started. I’m looking for critical feedback to sharpen my writing, in hopes that someday I’ll see it in print somewhere. In the meantime…

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Version 1

6 Reviews 4 Comments

We met at the worst possible time. That’s the most frustrating part about it. And sitting there, in the dimly lit coffee house in Los Angeles, looking at her, I couldn’t help but ask “what if.” And I would have liked to ask her if she pondered it too, but it would have seemed out of place. “You seem far off,” she said. “Where are you?” “Daydreaming.” She smiled. “I should have known.” “You look great,” I said again. “Thanks.” It wasn’t an awkward silence. It was the kind of silence lovers ex...

Short Story - Overall

Version 1

1 Review 0 Comments

It is best in winter, On the coldest snow-strewn nights, To rest beside the fire-side, Wrapped in the softest, warmest, darkest blanket, Like the grizzly bear, gone to sleep. And all is quiet and still, There in the dark, Curled on a rug, Or in a thread-worn chair Which holds you like a mother, And before the snapping logs, You have fallen asleep in her arms, many times. Bring a book, for best results, Or a dearest friend (Or nothing at all, For as much would be said In any case). But enjoy t...

Poetry - Overall

Version 1

1 Review 0 Comments

Siren's wail in the musky night air. Cigar smoke circles ceiling fans, As soft cymbal sound soothes Souls calmly sucking on cigars As brass and rattatap-tap play Basin Street blues and sleepy jazz Into the darkest hours of night. Taxis are called and patrons climb inside, To escape beneath the twinkling lights Of a city alive and at play, Sleeping and slumbered the long dog day, To play a clarinet on a chilly sidewalk, And watch the scarves and coats, Gloves and hats, stop and listen To notes...

Poetry - Overall

Version 1

2 Reviews 0 Comments

Outside, The rain falls lightly, playfully Drawing lines upon the window, Beads and streams of smiling water And the gray is not so heavy, Not so deep. Inside, The fire crackles to break the silence And the warmth evades chilled hearts As she looks silently away. Outside, The steady roll of drums Drown the heavy thudding of hearts, All the while soothing open wounds With the cleansing passage of time. Inside, I know my apology will not do To rebuild what harsh words have broken, Things said b...

Poetry - Overall

Version 1

2 Reviews 1 Comment

In the smoky gray haze, Scented with cedar and aging hardwood floors And the withered stubs of Cuban cigars and unfiltered cigarettes, He cradles her softly in his arms, Touching her tenderly, like a lover. His ashen bangs shield his self from prying eyes, As his voice flows seamlessly into hers, Flavoring the cabaret with their secret intimations. His fingers stroke her until she croons, Deep within at the brush of his hands. And their duet touches hearts young and old, Making new memories i...

Poetry - Overall

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Reviews

by oknapp

Admittedly, this appears to be a cross between a diary entry and a short story, but if you intended for it to be a short story, the dialogue needs work. One thing that kept popping up was the inconsistent use of contractions. At times, the characters speak without them, giving the impression of formality, harkening back to a different time, etc. However, in the next section, they'll use a contraction, so the reader has a hard time hearing the character's "true voice." For example, "'I thought...

by JaneLloyd

You can write - that much is clear. But you need to work on the art of "storytelling," especially in the novel context. The first scene is too ambiguous. You have three characters hiding in the brush when a fourth one appears. They're looking into a field. You should "show" the reader what they look like and what they're looking at in the field. You can tell the reader the setting (date, geographic location), but you're better off allude to it by referring to small things - the reference to t...

by Massacred

As surrealistic angst poems go, it's not bad. You've made effective use of repetitive forms ("Burn you/Cripple you/Consume you" and the emphasis of "cannot" at the end), but you may want to substitute something else in "That falls from/My falling comfort". "Falling" is so passive in comparison to the emphasis of your other repetitions...maybe something like "That plummets from/My plunging comfort". It's more active, more visceral, and maybe a better fit. Just my $0.02. Otherwise, nice job!

by Blue_Eyes

Very well done!!! For anyone who's spent time in a nursing home, you've done a great job of capturing it. I'm curious to see how you convert this into a novel. It may make a better short story, but right now is "day in the life" flash fiction. A couple things: The first line is too long - break it up. The narrator's commentary on the nursing assistant's personal lives is awkwardly injected and doesn't flow into the events prior or subsequent. I've seen how some of those places are like Peyton...

100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)

by Yodec

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