risas_pieces's profile

I like how this begins with 'I wake'. It grabs my attention immediately. However the imagery of a cold empty place, pit of my stomach and hole ripped in the soul have been done. Not only in poetry but in letters, stories and songs. The feeling of yearning was certainly felt throughout and you seem to have a talent for keeping the reader with you but the cliches were sort of a let down. I would say that if you can try to think of a more original way to express some of these same images, it wou...

"A voice as smooth as summer sighs If so, with song It could cause the sun to rise." This seems to be the best stanza in this pieces. However, some of the rhyming was a little forced and the meter seemed off. It did not flow as snoothly off of my tongue as it could have. I did enjoy the 'from swoon to harm'lines that ended the piece. But the imagery of coffee colored skin and lightening fire in the sky is a little cliche. I think that you could find a more original way of expressing some of t...

I like the irony at the end and, overall, it seems well-written. I think that you could have varied your word choice a little. Maybe switched the word 'alcohol' here and there. I also think that it could have been longer with more description with regard to the husband and wife's relationship as well as Bob's standing in the town. That would help the reader to feel that much more crushed when he died. I've only read three short stories on Urbis so far but this has been the easiest to get thro...

Overall, it seemed like more of a poem than a short story. I suppose it had a beginning, middle and an end but there was no main character, no antagonist and no plot. As a poem, it wasn't bad though some of the imagery seemed a little cliche but it doesn't cut it as a story.