First, I think you should take out the "This story is about.." in your Notes. Let us read the thing. Secondly, this story is a doozy. At times I thought it was overly simplified about a banal subject of school-band funding; at times I was gripped with the complexity and tension. This translates, I think, into it being a very good with story with even more potential, maybe even publishable!!??!! Sure, we climb slowly into the core of the plot -- i mean who knew there was going to be suicide, r...

I think this is satire, right? But I could be very wrong. It has that same violence which we associate with the Koran. (I wonder why?) "With his permission, I slew all your shield brothers. Accept his mercy, he is most beneficiate." It's that same idea of a merciful, murderous god. Again, enemies and weaklings getting the sword. It just doesn't add up, in my book. Still, if you are drawing out an intolerant reaction to god's tolerance, then I see this herein. From a poetry standpoint, it's a ...

You have created a very good story. It is it's own world. You have drawn out an impressive piece of work. An epic I guess. I am curious about your efforts "placing" it so far. I am curious about your audience too. Is it "mass"; is it "teen"? Is it twenty-five year-old "teens"? Of course we can't predict all this. I myself would lean it more toward the subtle and sophisticated, but that's just my weird style. You move it quickly with lots of witty dialogue, perhaps too much, and not many silen...

Your "Notes" throw me off bc it gives a limited purpose to this article; but you've submitted it for reviews so I assume you are curious about its greater value. This was a good fun colorful read. It's exciting. The only thing missing is a reason for it. The event is significant to you (and to anyone who might be considering running such a race) but why does it matter to the general public? Yes, I mean a moral to the story. It doesn't have to solve the meaning of life. But there should be som...

My main man, I've been thru your work several times now. The writing is crisp and colorful and flawless. No lie. I'm not just saying this bc we're uBuddies. It's the type of writing which is so clear that it seems effortless but my guess is it wasn't. I mean, it takes me decades. I stumbled only a couple places -- "when IT got to him" "go heads on with her". You have successfully hooked us w good characters and imagery, and you have created the canvas for an interesting bigger picture. I have...

This is a framework for a good story but it is too subtle, and therefore it reads too slow. The premise seems to be built on a man's mood and thoughts, and on subtle emotions at the end. I sense that it is all very clear to the author. But less so to the reader. Still, the elements for success might all be there – this can be a winner if fleshed out a bit. Firstly, how necessary is the early mention of other in-laws and family members who don't come? They're not part of the story. The issue, ...

This is powerful stuff. Your writing is strong and crisp. Many typos and missing words are distracting. Also, you change from past to present, mid story. The writing has a teen feel to it, which is good; for example, the narrator's ability to go from depression and loathing to gleefully seeing a beautiful or pretty or amazingly cool item, and run to it. This is touching. Maybe, too, you can use it to tie up your ending. (But small caps plz; this isn't texting). Anyway, the rape is realistic a...

This is a good new perspective from another character's viewpoint. Again the writing is lean and vivid. Still I'm not crystal clear what the heart of the story is -- I don't expect us to be there yet, and nor does it have to be spelled out (and yes I should apply this to my own writing) but while I'm enjoying the Telling I'm not sure enough why it's being told. It is colorful enough to keep me interested, (almost). There is a hook missing. What are we headed toward? I perused your first chapt...

i hope that her "neck" of the woods, or i mean hills -- i am hoping that hills means breasts. "strange things begin"? this whole thing isn't very clear. but i've never reviewed something like this before, a "story idea" i guess. yet i just read it two or three times, the whole thing. vampire stories aren't very original, but i guess there's a whole world of readers, and i guess that you have some original themes within that world, such as loving forever. what does it mean "connected" to the K...

This is the best thing i've read in a while. Don't believe me? Read the reviews I've done. I don't play. Bravo. You have written a poem worthy of study (and i don't mean technique, but themes!). Thank you. It makes me want to read the novel. Isn't that what a poem should do? It's my type: animate, linear, rich. It reads differently the second time bc I'm looking for clues on the sentiments of an addict and of lost love. So, into this I'm factoring the narrator's constriction by the upscale ti...