rck419's profile

Starting out with a recognizable location was a good idea, as many people have at least heard of the Anbar Province. Starting with "So this is what death feels like" is a common piece in story telling, and never fails as a good opener, as proven here. When the dog looks at Ryan through the hole, there was a moment of fear that you built up very well. Feeling fear for the character this early in makes this a great piece. When you tell the audience that they are going to hit a roadside bomb, I ...

-"Lincoln had no knowledge...Council in the wrong direction"- I thought this was interesting in how it reflects society today. I also like the sort of mystery surrounding exactly what the Kaeus. The delay sustains the quality of the read. "That's superstitious...twenty-first century." As a reader, I found that mentioning the time so precisely while all else so far has been enigmatic, disrupts the flow. Also, "That is superstitious, backwards thinking that I don't expect to find in this day an...

"the ordinary. The ordinary was the name of the pond." very clever. i laughed. this is a style akin to lemony snicket, in my opinion. "Withdrawing his hand quickly, he took his hand out of the barrel of slime" This is borderline hysterical. You could write something big, if for some reason you haven't already. Haha. I hope to read more. All 10's from me.

The windshield wipers couldn’t move water quickly enough to keep up with the storm, strong winds pushed at my small car, causing me to grip the steering wheel with excessive force, and my tires proved to be in serious need of replacement as they slid along the pavement. -This seems to be somewhat of a run on. I would separate it into two sentences, with a period after storm. You detail things well, although I wonder how the character noticed rolling green hills and sprawling farms in a rain s...