r_chama's profile

r_chama avatar
AGE: 19
LOC: Santa Clarita, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: October 20

I am a teenage girl who writes like a madwoman but rarely gets draft one finished of any particular story.  I also like to draw.  Currently I’m into reading Arthurian legend.  Genres I enjoy are teen drama, sci-fi, fantasy, and I own more comic books than anything else.

Item Stats
Reviewer Stats
Items
Version 2
3 Reviews   1 Comment
1. The steady beeping of the heart monitor is the first thing he hears when he wakes and the only thing existing for far too long. His eyelids are too heavy to open and he cannot feel a thing. The distinct smell of latex gloves and hospital make its way past the plastic tube in his nostrils, turning his stomach inside out. He never has liked hospitals, not since he was young and spending more time in a sick bed than his own. He has no idea why he’s here now, too drugged to even lift a finge...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
3 Reviews   0 Comments
1. The steady beeping of the heart monitor is the first thing he hears when he wakes and the only thing existing for far too long. His eyelids are too heavy to open and he cannot feel a thing. The distinct smell of latex gloves and hospital make its way past the plastic tube in his nostrils, turning his stomach inside out. He never has liked hospitals, not since he was young and spending more time in a sick bed than his own. He has no idea why he’s here now, too drugged to even lift a finger....
Ratings & Rankings
Young Adult / Post-Crisis
Version 4
3 Reviews   1 Comment
1. The machines beep incessantly. It's the first thing he's aware of when he wakes, and the only thing existing for far too long. His eyelids are too heavy to open, and he can't feel a thing. He hates the hospital. He can't remember why, he's too sluggish to even think, but there is something about the distinct smell invading his nose that turns his stomach inside out. He slowly comes to awareness of a hand that clutches his own, fingers searing into his palm as their owner breathes loudly be...
Ratings & Rankings
Young Adult / Post-Crisis
Version 1
12 Reviews   9 Comments
The IV drips so loud you can hear it when you wake.  Your eyelids are too heavy to open, and you can't feel a thing.  It takes a few moments for you to realize where you are.You're helped along by the voice of a man (or a boy, his voice is so insecure) asking repeatedly, "How is he doing, Doctor?  When will he wake up?"  Your eyes flutter weakly, and can only see the blurry impression of the boy (or a man, he's almost tall enough) and a person in a white coat, the doctor.&...
Ratings & Rankings
Short Story / Perfect
Version 3
2 Reviews   1 Comment
I make room for Joan beside me when she asks. She speaks with a low voice and a hint of Asian accenting, always complaining that she sounds like a man. I think she sounds just fine. “What’s up?” she asks, sitting near me so that our arms barely graze and I could grasp her hand if I moved mine an inch or two. I grasp the grass instead. “Nothing really,” I sigh, leaning in towards her. We have a reputation for being attached at the waist, and it's embarrassing just how much I like that. I stay ...
Ratings & Rankings
 Plus-button Clarity
Reviews
A nice, action packed teen piece. However, it feels more like a complete short story than a chapter. Also, your description of everyone falls into list descriptions, which is a little dull, when you stop in your tracks to say "The boys were dressed in shorts, short sleeve shirts, and low-cut sneakers." There's nothing wrong with the sentence itself, but every time you make a physical description, the action stops like that. "Said" seems to be used a lot towards the end, although earlier in th...
Short Story / The Lake
Locked
Journal, Diary, & Blogging / Nice To See You Again
I really like the stream of consciousness, though I do not know what effect you are going for with the ellipses abuse. I think stronger punctuation (more colons, commas, and god forbid periods) would make for a stronger piece. Two exclamation points and a question mark next to an exclamation point (in that one paragraph towards the middle) are distracting and unnecessary, because you have no prior question and/or exclamation to make it even more exclamatory from, so the singular mark would be...
This is a moving poem, and I like how the letter is cited with "the note began" and "the words read". I believe there should be a comma somewhere in "For it lay in his pocket creased", because as it stands, the "creased" is confusing as to what it is meant to modify.
Novel Treatments / Till Human voices...
I am really in love with what I've read so far. Although, I am wondering at Cai's age. He has a dead wife, but Tandara thinks of him as a son and a boy, which messes a little with my head. Small technicalities: "...or, if he cared" has a useless marking, "The boy's pathetic" has a contraction that is weird and oddly informal for a researcher. There are some run on sentences, for example : For a moment Tandara wasn’t the judging specter everyone knew him as, for a moment, he was a frail human ...
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ITEMS (4)

 

Short Story / perfect
Novel Treatments / Till Human voices...
Haiku/Senryu / Turn Of Events

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