punkypoet's profile

I really have only one critique, which is that your narrator is too down on himself in the beginning. I think that if he had any modicum of success before, and he made is living on making presentations like this, he'd know not to do that. I like what he says, but maybe he should say it later, after presenting the chicken sandwich theme. That might be more natural. Overall, a good draft.

I really think that you have something here. I think should actually expand it into something longer (flash fiction be damned!). I was interested enough to want to know more about this world(s) you've created. It reminded me a little bit of Pahlankiuk's "Rant". Thought the whole first page I thought that they were used car salesmen. I don't know why, I just got that vibe. I am usually one for not giving too much away in the beginning, which you did a good job of, but I think that can hurt FF,...

Delete "sure enough" What are the dive bars like? What kind of restaurants? Are they all chains? "loser quota" sounds weird. Maybe I just went up a couple notches on the loser scale, or something. Page 2: use focus twice: were you focusing on the ex or focusing on picking up women? Why weren't they worth the effort? To old? Had kids? No teeth? Describe. Delete "again...I know!" we know that you know that we know... What are you saying about "lack of chastity"? Is it good or bad? You want to g...

Splendorous autumn colors: everyone knows autumn colors are splendorous. splendorous doesn't add to the description thirteen or so: just say a dozen or so. rained on coal: rain and coal why are you telling us about summer when you're setting a scene for rainy autumn? Maybe condense the two sentences to "Elizabeth could smell the familiar stench of rain and coal. Nobody in Godsville minded it because coal was the lifeblood of SE Kentucky; the sulphuric smell (literally) came with the territory...

I was going to skip this until the last paragraph. It's disjointed and uses way too many adverbs. It also seemed at first you had a real ax to grind, but by the end, I thought, maybe not. I'll tell you first of all that I have a degree in both English (creative writing) and Comparative Religion, and I minored in anthropology, so much of what you said, I've heard before. A couple books you may be interested in reading are "the Ancestor's Tale" by Richard Dawkins and "The Unfolding of Language"...