planetaryexit's profile
AGE:
18
LOC: Canton, NC
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: September 04
LOC: Canton, NC
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: September 04
For me when I write it’s not a matter of putting an idea or dream on a pad of paper, it’s the philosophical edge on reality and yet so simple, it’s merely to exist.
Items
Version 2
0 Reviews
0 Comments
Flakes of falling snow glitters like diamonds under the full moon. your wings encase me from the cold. gently you smile freeing my soul. I ask for your name and I am all alone watching the night’s sky.
Version 1
3 Reviews
3 Comments
Flakes of falling snow glitters, like diamonds under the full moon, your wings encase me from the cold, gently you smile, freeing my soul, I ask for your name, and I am all alone, watching the night’s sky.
Version 3
13 Reviews
7 Comments
An old man with a harmonica, walking aimlessly through Chinatown, he watches silently, as a young girl plays a kokyu, he sits next to the young girl, playing in harmony, they are linked together for awhile, in a language older than words, an old man dies with a smile.
Version 3
6 Reviews
7 Comments
The morning’s dewdrops a falling caress of life a green leaf's goodbye
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
2 Reviews
2 Comments
Snowflakes carelessly drifting on our heads, alone in a tranquil white landscape, a slow embrace with blushing cheeks, slowly our lips meet, serenity forever in a place with no time.
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Reviews
The last two lines were kick ass, the problem in this piece is the structure. With the flow the way it is you should break it up into small paragraphs by each period.
This wasnt a story or an excerpt, this is more of a summery of the happenings. The plot has potential, you just need to add alot and I mean alot of detail on every aspect of the story.
I think this is the first positive thing I have ever seen about The Kate, nice originality.
Yes this is worth adding to. The main problem is the amount of description your giving for each of the stages in your story, after the first part, the story becomes choppy. You need to add more to what is going on, ie developing who all of the charters are, it would be great to know more about the "weardo club" and Joe. All and all its a good story, I want to work on one of my storys now. It just need more to be a well rounded story, witch is convenient for you.
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