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plaidseven's profile
AGE:
22
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: March 06
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: March 06
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Items
Version 1
9 Reviews
7 Comments
We were teenaged lovers the first two people to ever fall in love to ever see the sky more blue the air more sweet or the whole universe compressed into the minutely detailed reflection of our eyes We lay in the field all green and yellow with robust dandelions watching white butterflies dance circles naming ourselves and counting freckles in love. You plucked a dandelion from its stem I said put it under your chin so you did but no yellow reflected off your skin You're in love I said for wha...
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Reviews
This is great, very well done. I like the idea a lot. There are some lines that I think are a little wordy, for instance, "mar the already pasty complexion." I think you could take out "already" and it would have the same effect. This is awesome though, I love the last line. Terrific job!
This is good! Definately paints pictures in the mind. Love the use of alliteration and rhythm. I would suggest changing the first line to "birch frames the moon", because I think the word "frames" upholds the calm kind of mood that you get from the rest. Love the last line. It has a great sense of completeness. Keep up the great work! I love it!
This is good! Ending it in a quote is clever. I love the line "fingers light as moths". This poem has great imagery, but I think you could push it further. I'd like you to describe the concubines themselves. "It’s not as glamorous as you think" is a cliche, you should consider switching it up with something stronger. This is a great poem. It's quirky and has a good voice. Keep up the good work!
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This is good. Great imagery. I love the line "Musty grey odours waft languidly" because it effects a lot the senses. Smell, sight, even sound. I'm having trouble figuring out where sentences end. For instance, the sentence you start with "Where are the benign smiles" needs to end with a question mark. "When will the madness end" is a cliche, I believe you could change it to more powerful image. In the line "I lament the passing", you suddenly introduce a first person narrator. This might be i...
This is a great poem. I love the repeated images. It gives the poem a great sense of union and completeness. I don't think you need a space between the fourth and fifth stanza - it suggests a change of ideas, but you continue in the same vein of describing the "escaping heart".
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