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AGE:
30
LAST LOGIN: April 27
LAST LOGIN: April 27
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After reading through most of my poems, she said: “You sure do write about yourself a lot. And when you’re not, they’re all about those filthy cigarettes of yours” I leaned forward, brushed a few errant blonde hairs behind her ears, traced a line across her forehead and told her: “You don’t have to be jealous, I just don’t have the right words”
Version 1
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She’s sits on the couch cross legged, thumbing through a magazine article about ancient Egypt. If she had better parents, she would have been an archeologist. It’s her nature to dig, analyze, and delicately brush away anything settling. She turns another page While I construct pyramids for her to exhume. We speak in hieroglyphs allowing time to erode the nose from our faces.
Version 1
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In the basement, an electric saw whines guided by fingers afraid in the knowledge they have no business near such sharp and raw power. Their owner pauses for a tenth beer. From somewhere across the street, a blind patriot lectures his twelve year old son on the influx of the New York and Jersey “niggers” into our neighborhoods chasing welfare. I am certain he doesn’t own a job or a shirt. “Kid, they’ve turned Belmont street into a little ghetto” “My mother lived on that street, now look at it...
Version 1
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Seven in the morning. She’s sitting in her pink robe on the couch listing family who’s survived, cried, and died From cancer, Annie found a lump one afternoon. Three months later, she is down one tit and feels removed; half a woman walking it off, In the relay for life, uncle Dave was a minor league base runner dipping chew until they removed most of his lower lip. He died of old age at home in the dark With the shades drawn, grandpa Joe passed morphine blind and whispering the name of his fi...
Version 1
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I was sixteen years old. Back then, as far as i knew all women preferred it in the face.
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Its got nice words, flow, focus and language. but for myself, i like something more concrete. If you notice, there's so many abstracts in this. for example, i like to see a description of a person or an event that implies the subject of the peom, rather than a description of the subject itself: outsider in this case. Anyway, what im getting at it that if you didnt write a note about this being about an outsider, i never would have known that.
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There is much to work with in here, lots of good lines and ideas. ONe thing that caught me up was the abstracts like "soul" and "emotion" etc. these are cop outs, its easy to say soul and name an emotion, anyone can do that. a way to make something really interesting and a great write to set it apart, is to create a concrete example that illustrates the soul or an emotion, or a reason for it, imply the abstract conceppt rather then just say you felt, sad, angry, whatever. also, why the space ...
this is unique at the very least. I enjoyed it, wish i had some advice or something in the form of a real critique, though.
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What is a set of grapes? i hate you too.
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