Hello- you are my very first review here at Urbis, and I must tell you I am very pleasantly surprised; actually, make that delighted. :) Let me begin: I find your skillful economy of language intriguing; makes the reader want to read ahead, to see what treats await. You have a brilliant command of language and descriptors; incisive, like a scalpel, you cut right to the bones of the thing.I enjoy this immensely; it adds to the visual, to the heft of the piece. "jones-junkie Jingle Bells jazz f...

Okay--I know this is uncomfortable, but you asked me and I am therefore honor-bound to deliver you the best, the truth of how I see your work. There is no room for head-pats here and I don't give them. The work is too important for those superficial considerations. Having made that disclaimer, I get on with it: The first note I want to offer you is your skipping back and forth between first and third person; it is terribly distracting and does not do your story any service. You must deliver y...

Hello~ I very much like the phrase "no running from a creative torrent"; it is eloquent and speaks volumes, also tells the reader alot about the writer. There is some beautiful imagery in this piece, but I am not convinced this current version is your best. I don't feel you have crafted this as finely as you're capable of. The message you're conveying is heavy-duty, insofar as I understand it. "No fear at two feet above the ground" reflects the necessity of risk-taking, if one is to achieve g...

Hello- Let me open by telling you your writing is truly an immense pleasure to read. You have an exceptional ability to develop the character and do so with tremendous skill, but your plot development needs work. There are too many unexplained distractions that pull the reader away from Mortimer's experience/journey. The plot is not cohesive and doesn't build, and is a bit bizarre in places. Your ability to describe people and make them live,however, is superior and weighs prominently in your...

This is brilliant in it's concept and I applaud you. It is also massively ambitious and I applaud you again. There are several spots where you lose clairty though, and a few where you are incongruous. ex: "Drat! Again, we lost a spot We cannot put missiles in Cuba". Try omitting "Drat", a slang term completely out of balance with the weight of what you are saying in this stanza. It doesn't work and runs the risk of seeming silly and distracting your reader. "I shall take over the world." This...

The first note I must offer you is your switching rhyme schemes back and forth. You must pick a scheme and stick to it, if you want your work to cary it's message clearly and not lift the reader out of the piece and into your writing, if you understand what I mean. At the beginning of the piece, I felt good about the rhythm you were establishing, but you changed it competely in the next stanza and shot yourself in the foot. I have been asked to critique quite a few poems and I tell each poet ...

Let me begin by saying this is a very impressive WIP; I congratulate you. I see no reason why, with some tweaking, this couldn't be quite a successful young adult novel coming to a book retailer near you. :) I think your story, the plot, is largely well-crafted. The beginning, however, suffers from lingering too long on Michael's resentment for his life circumstances/having to move, etc. You can establish this very nicely in a whole lot less verbiage.It is important to the plot but not centra...