peggynature's profile

This is okay, but I found the constant present-tense annoying. I think present tense is best used in small pockets, scattered throughout the work. This is an evocative little piece; lots of imagery to keep me immersed. But, ultimately, I didn't find that it led anywhere important for me. Someplace personal and important for the author? Yes. For the reader? Not so much. I'd've liked to've been shown something new by the end.

"I mean, how many legs does it take to detail my car?" I just about spit out my coffee at that one. I thought this whole thing was hilarious, and I love it to bits. I honestly can't think of anything else that you could do with it, but that could be because I'm laughing too hard. I would love to see this in a magazine somewhere.

This, I'm sure, means a lot to you, since you know the entire backstory of what went on. For the stranger, the reader, however, it's not very poignant or evocative. There is almost no description or imagery of the people, the place ... it's mainly narrative, which can be boring if you don't get some juicy details to go with it. I am not a big fan of rhyme, and very rarely do I see it done well. The rhyme and rhythm here seem forced. You might try a looser form overall, and not try to jam ever...

This is really hilarious, and easy to relate to ... probably for more people than would like to admit. I do think it could be tightened up a bit, however. I think you meant 'soul-baring' in your first sentence, unless that was a clever pun that I totally missed. The doubled-up parentheses were a little confusing too (I'm a totally lazy reader ... I don't like to have to go back and re-scan anything ... less lazy readers might like that kind of thing.) The overall tone reminded me more of a pe...

I found the transition between the doctor's office and the detox residence (was it in the same hospital as the doctor?) confusing. At first I thought you were describing a jail-cell, which could be an interesting effect for this story, but didn't quite work. The very last part also confused me, but I may be slipping into stupid-question territory here ... did the guy piss himself, or what? I don't know much about how these things work. A couple of sticky technical points: when using 'its' in ...