ooo la la. rich baby. I think you should make this shorter. That's your big issue with this piece, I start to get lost in all the luscious language. If you'd like me to go through and cut out all the stuff I would suggest cutting, I will do so in a comment. I don't want to take up all your precious credits.

nice touch. i like it. i think the lines could be broken more interestingly. like you could break the first stanza like this... "My mind is the remnant of wine glasses swirled to slow minutes passing with your mouth on mine." wow it actually looks really cool too. I think it would be cool if the last line was "I'll pull a thread from your jacket and go..." because it plays off the fingers in the hair - and it smooths out the line by taking away the repetition of you.

I haven't read any of the previous versions so maybe I can offer you the advantage of new eyes! And I want you to know that the only reason I am being picky is because this is a good poem, and it deserves it! Line One: somethun wierd about it - maybe break into to? The comma isn't doing enough of a pause, and the line just looks weird. OKAY - basically I think you need to shorten your line. I was going to say the same thing about line two, IMO your line could be shorter all around. I think th...

Umm, I have to say this was really cool until it turned out that you love her. The rest of it was so unexpected that it shocked me which is good, and hard to do with this abcb quatrain you have going on. I do think that the last two stanzas make the poem rather cliche, however.

first of all if you are speaking about a specific someone you should dedicate the poem - otherwise it seems as though you are speaking directly to the reader - which may be your intention, I don't know. The idea behind your poem - about love not being for sale - seems kind of used, so maybe you cuold play with language or form a bit to make the poem more original. For example you could make the poem a metaphor and talk about something else in the place of love, like say an umbrella or somethi...

there is some good sound stuff going on in here, assonance and the like. But the images are rather lacking, the rose and the wishing apon the stars for a better towmorrow. Loneliness is also a tad abstract.

This is very unique. I like the structure. My friend always says that if you use "you" in a poem, you should dedicate it. I think I agree. It kind of feels like you are talking about me :) My one critique would be to make that tercet a one liner. I think that "but now I have solidified" is sufficient and I like the way it sounds and the guards and passages play off each other strangely.

I don't really think that the epigraph is accomplishing anything. I think your poem would stand much better without it. The advent of what? Advent of terrorism? I feel like that word is also out of place. And why have a numbering system if there is no two? I feel like the structure of your third stanza needs re-working, and this could be done by moving the words aroung the line breaks. Plus, things move in poetry, or at least we'd like them to. Where does galileo come from? And I think the fi...

This is good but it could be better. I think that you should offset that dedication in a different way other than bolded letters. I also think that you could add stanzas - I think this could be four stanzas four lines each.

Nice poem, nice poem. What does the title have to do with it? I like the title, but it muddles the message. The word you is sticking out at me. Is the lover spra*w*led out for me? Is a part of me dead? Are the first three lines absolutely necessary?