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pdk19's profile
AGE:
20
LOC: Madison, WI
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 12
LOC: Madison, WI
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 12
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Version 1
6 Reviews
0 Comments
When David readmitted himself into consciousness, he coaxed his body methodically to follow suit. Without thought--it would only encourage doubt about the moment of escape from sleep's fortress--he awakened his tired body. Treating it like a machine he jostled all his counterparts into a semi-functional order. He opened his eyelids drearily, sublime whispers summoning, ye, time to rise, fragments of memories from his recent dreamland adventures trapped mysteriously for future recollection, le...
Version 1
12 Reviews
6 Comments
A big wave of blue Flooding Washington DC Bush swims, a lame duck
Version 1
5 Reviews
1 Comment
do you wish to wander alone in this maze face down arms out tuned to fake sounds streaming pick up the earbuds into the portal scroll through the playlist enter your own world so many ways to kill time someone predicted that we're walking mannequins what happens when you plug in and forget what it's like to take a stroll outside will you be faceless a lifeless building empty energy will you be machine? i walk through my dreams bracing for the rush of the tide until we meet again, my friend un...
Version 1
21 Reviews
3 Comments
David stared intently at the puddle next to his feet. Not bothering to blink, his glazed eyes contined all the madness and wonder of the world. He imagined a vast ocean before him, a flock of pelicans swooping down from the heavens to capture helpless creatures of the sea, a golden sun awakening over the limitless horizon, sunburnt fishermen, soaked and salt-covered, beginning their daily routines. Touching his togue to his front teeth, he slowly pushed the wind from within him through the an...
Version 1
1 Review
2 Comments
ON THE EVE OF BATTLE Dawn stumbles, from a long drunken slumber but never misses a beat, she must carry on- This purple blanket, over the mainland crashing- starlit. Dawn's creeping, on the seashore draped in- scarlet. Winter's twilight shadows diving into never's- softly-weathered arms. And I'm still waiting in plastic limbo, thoughts obscured, senses bursting in transient glory, until the day we meet again. Set everything aside, my friend- Until the day, we meet again. The ships are full, r...
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Reviews
my one suggestion would be to try to cut out words that dont offer much other than anextra syllable, such as "and" & "the."
Just a structural comment- you need one more syllable in the first line to make it five. and the last line is a bit vague...but that's always fine in a haiku, as they make more of an impression rather than a statement. keep it up
it's not necessarily bad not to have a concrete meaning. your haiku's abstractness actually stimulated me even more to think about what your poem could mean.
The dabbling into stories and memories helps strengthen the impressions of the characters. This worked best in this story before the puzzling appearance of Virgil. After he's invited, the narrator shares the story of the other occasion of Jake's forward thinking and it helps create a pause to allow Virgil's saying "I think I'm at the wrong house" to hit with greater force. This worked well, forcing me to look back and question what could have triggered Virgil's unease. You succeed in describi...
you're very efficient with syllables, and clearly take notice not to waste the space afforded to you by the haiku style. One criticism: I feel that the last line may cheapen the work. It seems to have an almost sarcastic tone that i think is a sharp turn from the imagery you describe in the rest of the poem. I would consider perhaps being a bit less emphatic witht the ending, something like "harsh reality" for the last line that follows the mood invoked through the series of haiku
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