pavel205's profile
AGE:
67
LOC: Newport, RI
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 19
LOC: Newport, RI
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 19
I’m an old retired guy who got started writing through NaNoWriMo in 2005. Crazy about urban noir and character driven crime stories.
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Version 1
3 Reviews
0 Comments
Retired. Nearly expired. Wrote about it.
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Version 1
6 Reviews
1 Comment
I often invoke the killer within.
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Version 1
5 Reviews
0 Comments
Wrote a great novel. No sale.
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Version 2
5 Reviews
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THE THANKS YOU GET By PAUL MCGORAN They were sharing a room at a rundown courtyard motel at the north end of the Strip where it turns kind of sleazy. Off and on, Henry Shevlin had been living with Duke Santoro for three years and had known him a couple years more in stir. Shevlin didn’t like Las Vegas much and he didn’t like the way his life was going. But he was the type to do anything for a friend. As if Duke was anybody’s friend. Oh yeah, Henry liked him, couldn’t say he didn’t. So did a ...
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Version 1
3 Reviews
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HELENA SWANN … I got back to Dismas Cottage from a tennis date with Ivan around noon. He dropped me off and went on to a friend’s house where he intended to shower and change clothes before going to lunch. I was looking forward to a shower myself, as well as a quiet afternoon at home. Passing through the side entrance from the porte cochère, I put my racket in the big foyer closet and was stripping off my sweaty headband when Aunt Claudia glided into my field of vision. She was holding her ha...
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Hi, My primary criticism about this piece is that it lacks focus. You let yourself go back in forth in time too much and for too long. One idea would be to do this over, limiting yourself to the present, only allowing yourself to talk about past action very briefly - perhaps ten words or less. A 2000 word first chapter is long. That's not bad, but I think you're trying to accomplish way too much - there isn't much mystery left about Sara by the end of this chapter, and I'm not sure there is a...
I'm awfully glad I stuck with this to the end. Your writing has a lot going for it, but I do have some specific criticisms. The worst thing in your whole piece is the second paragraph. All that stuff about the dates and their smell should be handled in just one sentence. I'm telling you this because I nearly abandoned your posting at that point. I think editors may have a similar reaction, which would be a shame. One more example of overwriting occurs later (bear with me now, I'm definitely o...
"Some people think Vincent Beltryn's life is a wet dream compared to theirs, but I know otherwise. I'm Vincent and I'm here to say I'd be glad to switch with them. But fate, that twisted little bitch, would have it otherwise." That's how I'd start this piece. But listen, it's your life and you should write it your way. At 16, I think you are VERY talented and should keep on writing. Try spellcheck to pick up some of the typos, e.g. "ashmatics" for asthmatics. And try not to let your protagoni...
I think your work is reminiscent of Anne Rice. Like her, you include a wealth of detail in your story that slows it down at times. Fans of Ms Rice may feel otherwise, but I think the story could be improved if you would eliminate a lot of the mundane detail and concentrate more fully on the emotional stream-of-consciousness that you command so well. This would have the effect of shortening the excerpt considerably while increasing its impact on the reader. A story that describes the paranorma...
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