paulfogarty's profile

Yesterday I spent the whole day trying to convince myself and others that I am so important as a human being that I have to abbreviate everything I say, do, and think into text-message-speak. I mean, I don't have time to do such random things as spell and pronounce. I got an image to uphold for chrissakes. Spelling is for losers and pronunciation is strictly for the literate...aka gays. I am 2 imprtnt 2 do dat. So I spent the whole day texting and emailing ppl with mssgs that looked like this...

One of the terrible but beautiful things about YouTube.com is that, if you watch enough of the posted videos made by people in their own homes, you can begin to get a startlingly exacting picture of the content of the indoors of the more-or-less developed world. (For the sake of this story the more-or-less developed world is that part which has high-speed internet connectivity and inhabitants with computers powerful enough to take advantage of that connectivity). There are millions of folks p...

Our little darling Bonnie celebrated her first birthday a couple of weeks ago by saying the word "gardenware." I swear that is what she said. The past couple of months she has been planning her attack on the refined art of walking upright. She is methodical, calculating, philosophical, artistic and strong...a genius renaissance woman. She tests and applies laws of physics while simultaneously plucking flowers, singing, and performing deep squats. Today her weeks and weeks of intense calculat...

One day soon, if there is any fairness in this world, Google will disappear up its own ass in a blaze of binarily-notated suction unprecedented on the virtual streets of cybertown. It will drag in with it all improper fractions, awkward percentages, the formula for calculating the mass of a family size isosceles pizza wedge, and most likely Pye. It will then emerge, eventually, as a new universe made up entirely of useless links to hopeless websites which also will have disappeared up their o...

Our dog, Barn-Boy (not his real name), has formed a startlingly close relationship with our as-yet-unborn child. For several months now Barn-Boy has been trying to undermine my authority as leader of our pack. He has used every weapon in his arsenal. He has jumped up into our bed and tried to kick me on to the floor while pretending to be asleep. He knows the sleeping hours are my achilles heel. He knows I am not really in my body. Oh no. During the sleeping hours, or, as dogs call them, the ...