hands are one of the dirtiest things in the world Alex, - try using 'filthiest' I know that's what my mother would say. Aren’t you glad I make you wash your hands?” - Try 'taught' instead of 'make' He danced a jig as they fell over him falling like silver and copper raindrops. - I love this line, but try using 'poured' instead of 'fell'. Fell and falling in the same line reads funny. Now there is an ending that you didn't see coming. I enjoy being able to smile and the soft touch of this tale...

“trapped in a theater, watching a movie that he did not want to see the end to.” - Save the quotations for dialogue. It can become confusing to the reader otherwise. His voice was swept away with the rush of traffic. - You just used traffic in the line before this. I suggest revising to 'passing cars', or something to that effect. Easy with the chest hairs. The image was bad enough the first time. I don't need to be repeatedly slapped in the face with it. Ha, ha. Seriously though, it is a bit...

hoars and over protected spoiled brats. - 'whores' Though I like the idea that you are working with here, I find the whole shadow bit a little awkward. I think maybe it's the overuse of the word shadow. It seems very repetitive. On page two, you use 'he' a lot. Try finding a way to combine some of the sentences and this may help. “Smiles… Goddamn smiles. Why do their parents give them dolls and pretend it’s alright? - “Fucking garbage, smog and dead souls… they all litter the streets.” - Is t...

but truthfully he is prettier. - Revise this. Guys don't like being referred to as pretty. Also, is there another way you can describe the former relationship? I have never been a big fan of the term lover. he had asked me to leave it at home. - You already mentioned that he wanted you to leave the laptop. Here's what I got and you tell me if I'm wrong. The two people in this piece have spent way to long alone, bouncing from one failed relationship to another. Both are set in their ways and h...

“Freaks, dykes and fairies--that’s what you woke me up for?” - Forget the main cat. This is a great line from a great character. I can see the sarcastic roll of his eyes as he says it. I found this to be a well written and very interesting piece. My attention was held closely throughout. It was your dialogue that grabbed me the most. Very realistic and it gave the characters real emotion and personality. This piece is really only missing two things. There needs to be a bit more elaboration on...

The opening here reminded me a lot of the pep rally scene in Fast Times From Ridgemont High, except different schools. Consider working this opening line a bit more to give it some flavor. The description of the girl reads like a list. Work on this so that we can see it. You need to show her to us. The boy beside her was busy giggling, since the day he was born laughing. - This line reds awkwardly. *cough* LET'S *gasp* let's . . . get . . . goin......" - This isn't working. Use you narrative ...

Beginning to read deeply, with a sudden intense focus she soon sat in a relaxed position. - This line reads a little awkwardly. - With a sudden intense focus, she repositioned herself into a relaxed position and read deeply. Something like this flows a little better. trimmed side burns sat down besides her. - beside They all were blue t-shirts and dark - They all wore. "Maybe she was reading before work started" - Try using italics for thoughts, and save the quotations for dialogue. because t...

I understand the need to explain the silencing of the weapon, and you did make some good points. However, if you're that concerned about the noise of the slide,you don't use a weapon such as the Berreta 9. You would go with something like an HK or Luger. These companies make weapons that are made of carbon composite materials so that the mechanical noise of the weapon are greatly reduced. In the scenario that your character is in, he could be faced with multiple aggressors at any gives moment...

neither asleep nor awake, -- You just said 'instead of sleeping'. The reader is fully aware of the sleep issue. You don't want this to become like a hammer over the reader's head. but somehow losing awareness of where I was. I wasn’t aware when I lost consciousness, -- See the repetitiveness here with aware? Stay away from this. Can’t you tell he was made tonight? -- I don't like this line here. The use of 'made' just doesn't fit right. he chooses not to not to share, -- Pg. 2 this one was co...

every since their peaceful valley had been overrun by invaders -- 'Ever' They had fought this war -- Today, they had finally managed to push -- they had prayed to the Goddess Morrigan for an -- See the repetitiveness here. Find a way to lose the 'had' n a couple of these. respected for treating his people fairly, had inspired his people and his army to fight -- Repetitive with 'his people'. Good thing I wore my armet helmet. -- use italics here. You also need to show us what an armet helmet i...