offspring22's profile

offspring22 avatar
AGE: 20
LOC: United States
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: August 05

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Items
Short Story / Natural Disaster
Version 1
9 Reviews   0 Comments
My brain is like New Orleans was right after Hurricane Katrina hit. Ideas, thoughts, and emotions are clinging to makeshift rafts, looting stores, and rioting, respectively. The cacophony is making my ears ring. I can't concentrate and I'm all jittery like a young boy who just drank 10 Red Bulls, or the same boy 15 years later who just snorted three lines of cocaine from a dirty wooden table, or the same boy 30 years later on the other end of a drug dealer's Glock. Maybe I shouldn't have met ...
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Short Story / Please Stop
Version 1
1 Review   0 Comments
"Please mom, stop throwing things," I wished I could say as a dinner plate shattered against the wall in front of me. My mom wouldn't have been able to hear me, though. She wouldn't have been able to hear anyone or anything except the slithering tongue of her rage. "Stop it! Please mom, you're scaring Rebecca!" I said to myself again, looking at my sister’s face, tense with unfamiliar fear. I looked at my dad, who sat in a shell-shocked silence. For a moment I thought that maybe he had been h...
Ratings & Rankings
Short Story / Please Stop
Version 1
0 Reviews   0 Comments
"Please mom, stop throwing things," I wished I could say as a dinner plate shattered against the wall in front of me. My mom wouldn't have been able to hear me, though. She wouldn't have been able to hear anyone or anything except the slithering tongue of her rage. "Stop it! Please mom, you're scaring Rebecca!" I said to myself again, looking at my sister’s face, tense with unfamiliar fear. I looked at my dad, who sat in a shell-shocked silence. For a moment I thought that maybe he had been h...
Ratings & Rankings
Short Story / Old Man Warner
Version 1
0 Reviews   0 Comments
Old Man Warner was an interesting old guy. No one in town really knew much about him other than the fact that he fished and he loved the ocean. Both of those things completed him. When he wasn’t physically out fishing, he was performing his own kind of verbal fishing. In public places he would sit and bait his hook with all sorts of made up and dramatized stories and the second an open ear drifted by, he would cast out and reel it in. It’s happened to me multiple times. It’s happened to all o...
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Short Story / One Year
Version 1
0 Reviews   0 Comments
One year ago tonight, I sat with her on this small beach and professed my love for her. Subtle waves crashed into the shore as she told me she felt the same way. We kissed in the artificial light behind us and breathed in the serenity of love. It's a different story now, though. I'm at the same beach with the same person (and her best friend), yet nothing is the same. The waves are crashing into the shore exactly as they were a year ago and we're sitting in the same artificial light, only now...
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Reviews
Non-fiction / Where were you?
I thought this to be pretty good. We follow the years as more and more famous people pass away until we wind up at the final scene. The setting of the final few lines works well in my opinion because it brings about a feeling of lonely despair that I'm sure a majority of the people on this earth feel.
Short Story / Betrayal
Here are some problems I found: In the first block of text, combine the second and third sentence. It should be a comma after "stand". In the sentence: "Sheila was getting nervous they weren’t even half way to the house and the sky was turning black, to quickly for comfort." you need to place a semicolon after nervous. I would omit the "to quickly for comfort", but if you leave it, it needs to be too, not to, and no comma after black. There are a few other instances throughout the story that ...
Short Story / Elizabeth
This was cool. A witch hunt is an intriguing story to tell. I advice you to look over a few things first, though: 1. You have a few instances of repetition. Lots of sentences start with I, and while it works sometimes, I don't think it did here. You can combine sentences and make it a lot more smooth. A good resource for the little mechanical stuff would be a book called The Elements of Style. 2. Paragraphs should introduce new ideas, and with paragraphs like the one starting with "I was stri...
Short Story / The Unbearable Reality
This is cool but it isn't in the right place I don't think. It would probably fit better in journals/blogging or something like that. However, I think you could rock this into a badass short story if you wanted to. Build up this big image that this lady just ruined your day, make it seem like a love interest, and then end it with that last line.
I thought that this was pretty good. Overall, it's a good idea. I really liked the last line, love does seem like a seasonal thing and it comes and goes just like that. One thing that bothered me was the beginning, where you're talking about her finding out. What did she find out? Why is she crying? I think some brief mention of that would be good. Other than that I think if you get that fixed and maybe find ways to expand it without losing the message (I'm not really 100% on that one, just a...